Leshem Shamayim: “For the sake of heaven.”

Misty runs over New Hampshire hills early Sunday morning; cool breezes and scattered rays of sunlight; sacred Gregorian chanting droning melodiously in low and gracious tones; freshly brewed raspberry tea—all elements conducive to moments of reflection. I feel as if I have barely been still for 5 moments over the last several weeks. Yesterday’s day trip and exploration of Boston made me realize just how much time has melded together for me… after weeks of mostly staying on my secluded New Hampshire sanctuary surrounded by the silent dance of tall trees engulfing rolling hills…where the loudest clamour is the thoughts within my own head barely rivaled by the music of tiny birds. After a six mile run this morning, my final weekend on the Hill for this season of life, I find time racing faster than the waterfall under the bridge I trotted over earlier today.

As sporadically as I reflect in more public journaling, every day has a myriad of thoughts of its own, worked out with Jesus in conversations and journaling. The Hill in all of it in the tranquility of a forested New Hampshire desert yesterday, has afforded even my senses a time of regrouping and recollection. I realized the drasticness of the Hill’s effect on my yesterday, when friends Kim and Michael explored Boston with me all day. All my senses were so overwhelmed after their seclusion on the Hill; I felt like I was caught in the middle of a sea of Mardi Gras dancers in the middle of Mexico, there were so many colors and people milling everywhere. The observational perspectives I have gained here will, I hope remain with me in my continued interactions. I feel as if coming up here, I was brought to a place where I could not hold onto anything too tightly… and time was one of the larger doves I released from my constraining grip… allowing it to soar back to Heaven and be sent where the Father wills. As the last days play themselves out here, I am finding so much more is out of my hands then I care to admit.

Since engaging with Jesus in the many different forms He has robed Himself in on this Hill, I have found myself challenged in every area of life. I might have lost hope in despair at some of the difficulties were there not those near and far in proximity who reminded me that closeness with Jesus brings continued and increasing struggles. The closer I step to Jesus, the more questions I find arising, and the more difficult faith becomes. Realities of life… the physical existence I hold and what perceivably impacts that existence seem to be so separated from the spiritual realities of faith… until I stop questioning why Jesus loves me and simply allow Him to, because there is some convinced part of my heart (I a lot it to faith gifted to me from God) that knows He does indeed love me. I have been experimenting again with what a life of faith looks like with an unseen, mysterious God and a life goal that only has purpose because it is given by this unseen God. It continually evokes questions in my soul… and either they seek and probe further questions or different meaning in the existence of faith.

These weeks on the Hill have just gone by so fast. I am excited about the upcoming event of Berkeley… though it will be hard to say goodbye here… its amazing how much God has shown me and continues to every day… and how close one can get to others in just weeks. Next Wednesday I will be on the road to Binghamton, journeying home with 2-3 friends from college a week from today… to explore what the changes have been and to further inquire as to what Jesus looks like outside the angles He has revealed Himself in. This life is an experiment, a learning event of love… and more and more I am realizing that Jesus shows Himself to me in different seasons through different people to teach me about Himself and then the Spirit of Him to which I am attached moves on, either because time runs out or that’s how things go… to allow me not to settle too deeply into that love and perception and to seek Him further.

For today and this moment, I go forward seeing His face,
Hannah

I haven’t written  in a while because time evaded me and because I was struggling through a daily challenge to be weak with Jesus, or rather being forced into it, because I have always determined to be a strong person, which I though was what Jesus desired me to push for… a perfection of the abilities He has given me in order to be most effective in filling whatever position I would best benefit His Kingdom in. Since Spring semester, Jesus and I have begun a discussion of purpose, self-sufficiency, and His presence. All these things were interwoven in the discussion He and I began July 4th, when a concern passed through my life: why does it always take pain and inability to grab our attention? I wrote about the ache for Jesus’ difference of presence… and as I verbalized that to Him, asking Him to come into my dimension tangibly or bring me into His, I wondered if this place I am in is just what I am asking for, if I am to be a bridge/vessel between seen and unseen.

Jesus and I discussed His presence and movement in my existence… how He gives me meaning and purpose every moment of the day, and how He has called me to live, not by typical human standards, but by God’s own standard… and every day He offers me the opportunities to act beyond my own capacities and love more than I have within me. A day in the gardens yesterday challenged me a lot on what I think about love and how I go about loving people every day. I came to the conclusion, being immersed in a community of people whose hearts desires are to help me become all that God has made me to be in order to best serve Him wherever He has best fitted me, that life is about relationships. The self-sufficiency I try to believe I have… that I can work through my own struggles with self alone with Jesus are daily crushed by a depressing realization that Jesus may speak through my spirit to me, but I can only hear and be so strong after losing myself in some messes.

Today, as most every Thursday morning, my mind was working on a thousand various thoughts, those complexities of life that maybe I need to live out more than mentally sort out, evoked to thought by discussing the book Inside Out by Larry Crabb. While Crabb and I struggle over the fatedness of Jesus’ beloved people to sinning, I realized the stain of sin today in my own life through his words. We were talking about desires, and how Christians often feel it sinful to allow themselves to desire anything… to taste any goodness, without an amount of guilt because as young people, we are so firmly shaken with the realization that existence here will never be perfect Heaven. I contend with Crabb every time sin and heaven is discussed, because I want to live as close to the gates of heaven as I can in open and honest relationship with all people, especially God’s. Life being relational is a new revelation to me… and I tend to think Heaven, while being focused on that great relationship through all of us with Jesus, will carry over from the quality of the relationships we cultivate here on earth. Crabb continued that most refuse to allow themselves to desire through a few coping mechanisms, denying the existence of desires, or focusing their whole beings on fulfilling others through “machine-like approaches to relationships.” That is easily done for me.

Somehow realizing what Jesus thinks of me and honestly knowing His love will enable me to have a purely others-centered mentality… preferring others over myself for their sake, not my own need for fulfillment. I am not sure if that is the case with me, but I know the life I live can easily become mechanical and I have difficulty recognizing or confessing any desires. I focus on a desire to obey Jesus, knowing Jesus for who He is, which brings about a love for others in itself. Sometimes I wonder, still, how one can maintain obedience without knowing that love, because it’s a lot of hard work, a lot of self-denial. Being here, I have a job of almost contradictory opposites…  focusing strongly on others and searching out what God has made me best for at the same time. It is confusing and deep to try and explore… to understand how I myself operate in order to best hear Jesus and best love others… to let Jesus move as Jesus will move.

Sitting in prayer and share with all these things and all the things I have struggled with from the past, which have seeped into the present and can be daily demons to torment the soul, I had literally overwhelming headaches from the thoughts. I find the closer I try and push to Jesus, the closer I get to myself too… the more I think and offer my words up to Jesus, the easier it is to run away from Him in my words too. To avoid discussing the issues which really need discussing because I have gotten to a place with Jesus where I should be able to be totally open and unashamed… and yet I am more ashamed in some ways. Sitting in group, I was encouraged by the sharing heart of my sister Aaron, and knew I needed help in my struggles too. Sometimes thoughts are too overwhelming to clearly talk to Jesus… and I remained too quiet. In prayer and share, sitting in a torment of my own creation, my sister Sue came and offered me her arms as she helped me lift up my heart to Jesus, when I haven’t still told her how much she blessed me. Jesus gives mercy when things are almost too much, even from our own creations at times…. Like a double mercy. I am so grateful He didn’t leave me to myself.

So while everyday is a battle, I love it… it is the only life I have to live, so I am exploring love and what it means to do that as Jesus would, in community. Maybe He will use the weakness He keeps exposing in me to be great.

In the Merciful hands of Jesus,
Hannah