Leshem Shamayim: “For the sake of heaven.”

Early in the morning I have awoken , my heart awaking with an overwhelming sense of Your presence, though seeking You, I find only the impression of Your head next to mine in my pillow. While it is still dark, I  rise up and pursue this presence of You: You are with me, yet I cannot see You. I set out to find You, running down the streets we have walked together, but I cannot detect even glimmer of where You might have been. As I run, my heart cries out to You, but I know You have not abandoned me, for here I remain, caught in Your arms. Perhaps it was a nightmare, that You had abandoned me to this day alone, but I blink and You are vanished from before my eyes. Keeper of my heart, my heavenly husband, I struggle to maintain belief when my hands cannot reach out and touch You, when my eyes no longer behold Your face. Yet You are here, the faith in my soul can cry in feeling if nothing else.

You watch me misconstrue Your reality… sometimes You laugh and others cry. I love You, Jesus, I want to be like You, I need to be near to You, but how close can my heart come without that touch of Your hands? You have stretched forth Your hands to me for this season of  my life and into Your wounds can my hands sink, resting in the affirmation that my belief has not been in vain. But I have weak faith, precious Jesus, the moment my hands no longer touch Yours, will I still believe, still feel through faith? You have drawn me into a community and made us one before You, allowing us to tangibly evidence You in our shared lives. How sweet a communion, this gift of fellowship… yet within us we still have divisions… and I guess Jesus those are only made whole in You. You have given us the gift of ability to have perfect fellowship, because I can consider myself dead to sin… how often am I willing to do that?

While it breaks my heart to find my brothers and sisters hating one another and pulling apart from You, the Lover of our souls… I must do something quite the same. Jesus, here’s my blind heart, I don’t know where I hate… expose my sin before my eyes so that I can no longer ignore the severity of separating tendencies. Yet my dear Jesus, help me be wise enough to discern which of these dividing factors really matter and which do not. Your salvation seems so simple in theology but so hard in life as I study through the life of Abraham and watch You relentlessly batter him with assaults, testing and trying his faith. You called Abraham away from his people, away from communities engaged in sin… You designated his descendents a separate and holy people now. Jesus, show me where to be cautious, for something You have built into me is not afraid of the differences, but longs to find that state of heaven right here in our fellowshipping with one another.

O Jesus, the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand and You have placed into our hands the very means of catching hold of heaven… and I do not understand with so great a salvation and so wonderful a blessing at our very finger tips why we prefer to play games with You and each other by our sin. Jesus, I love You, and I think for me, that means I become like You, step into Your footprints… I don’t know what love does if it does not conform. Yet I have my own struggles… I am still so fearful of becoming You, Jesus. Yet slowly, You are rubbing my fears away, teaching me an alternate reality. Help me always to be worthy of Your gospel through my life, emptied of everything within me that would divide me from You. So yes, Jesus, I see there are distinctives within me that would pull us apart,  but I want You to eliminate them out of me; they can’t matter anywhere near s as much as being able to reach out and touch You.

My ideals contradict the struggles of this life, don’t they Jesus… a perfect heaven on earth that I am told will never be because of our human nature. So somehow Jesus, I think I am contributing to that division, even without realizing what I do. Jesus, I want to make Your joy complete by encouraging through my life the unity of the believers, the oneness of Your body. So Jesus today… help me be thoughtful in everything I say and do… as You have been with me even while I slept and will remain in me throughout the day, help me to remain under the work of Your hands on me. Help me to do nothing out of selfish,  jealous motivations or pride because You came as a humble servant, You tell me that humility is the one way to bind us all together in love . So help me love others, love You Jesus by realizing that my preferences don’t matter as long as You don’t care either, pursuing the interests of the body around me rather than my own. Empty me of the silly distinctives I too often identify myself in.

I have the picture of the mass in my mind again, Jesus, with the priest lifting up bread one moment and bringing it low to break in the next so that all might partake of the spiritual food. You have not divided Yourself amongst us Jesus… You only did that in Your death, and then in Your life and resurrection, You bound us indivisibly up together in Your own body… memorialized to us by Your supper and Your wounds. So if that is what it takes Jesus, for my life to memorialize You by breaking so all can remember to partake of You constantly, I am willing, my sweet Jesus. As You are emptying me, fill me only with You; I love You with all of my life.

Background: The Midrash divides Abraham’s life into a series of 10 tests.
1. (Gen. 12:1): Call from familiar to unknown
a. Yhwh to Abraham: “I am a god.”
2. (Gen. 15:1): God reveal Himself to Abraham
a. Yhwh to Abraham: “I am THE only true God.”
b. Abraham accepts this challenge
3. (Gen.12:15, 20:2): Abraham travels through potentially compromising locations  for Sarah, thus lineage (Pharaoh and King Abimeleck:
a. Yhwh to Abraham: “I will preserve you through  your enemies.”
4. (Gen.13:7ff): Testing patience and generosity over land with Lot
a. Yhwh to Abraham: “I will prosper you in spite of the land you receive.”
5. (Gen. 17:11): Descendents age 90?
a. Yhwh to Abraham: “I will make your heirs exceedingly numerous.”
6. (Gen. 18:1): Test of faith with promise of numerous nations:
a. Abraham to Yhwh: “How can You bless me, I have no children.”
b. Yhwh to Abraham: “I will give You a son by Sarah your wife.”

7. (Gen. 17:9): Circumcision at age 99:
a. Yhwh to Abraham: “Circumcise yourself and all your males forever as a sign that You are mine.”
8. (Gen. 21:9): Abraham forced to expel Hagar and Ishmael:
a. Yhwh to Abraham: “I will bless Ishmael too, but he is not the chosen one.”

9. (Gen. 18:28): Intercession for Sodom and Gomorrah:
a. Abraham to Yhwh: “Spare the city for one righteous.”
b. Yhwh to Abraham: “I would, there are none, so I will deliver Lot before destruction.”
10. (Gen. 22:1): Binding of Isaac (final, supreme test):
a. Yhwh to Abraham: “Give me Your only son.”
b. Abraham to Isaac/servants: “The Lord will provide.”
c. Yhwh to Abraham: “Don’t slay Isaac, I now know You fear me.”

Psalm 141: I love the picture of my praise being that holy, ignited scent floating up to Your nostrils.  Am I enough for an evening sacrifice… I think I am asking You to covenant with me, because I am asking for a guard over my words… because I need a help to guard my words and defer from evil impulses.  If I speak evil words, then my life will not be a pleasing sacrifice to You; do not shatter me by crushing me beneath the weight of Your hand. Here am I seeking refuge from my own words within You, do not let me be ashamed that I ever trusted You.

Psalm 142: I suppose I should be willing to pour out all the chaos and worry in my soul before You, but sometimes Jesus my feelings make me feel so ashamed. But those I think are the things we should talk about most… can You help me somehow or is it all up to me to get it out? I know You can see everything I do and therefore I am encouraged by Your vision… You understand when my articulation is unclear. I remember those intense feelings that came when I thought no one cared if I lived or died… sometimes then I just would look up at You and ask You to touch me somehow or else I should die. Every time I have been to weak to call out loudly enough for anyone other than You to hear, maybe I didn’t even realize how far from You I was, You surrounded me by the merciful presence of the upright. I praise You for such generosity, Jesus.

Psalm 143: I think I need to ask You something similar to David, Jesus, when he asks not to be put on trial… Paul did not judge himself, but left that up to You. Of course we don’t even want You to compare us to Your image, because we are so lacking of it.  Maybe David is asking You why He is being tested—because it has gone on for so long that He can’t bear it anymore. We have been in the same sort of place for a while, Jesus, but I guess I can see constant change, so I know there is a gradual difference being forged. But still, I would like to see change happen… and so I am stretching out my hands to You like David, I want to see if You will really let me be like You. I need more refreshment Jesus, so I don’t get stale and fall to such a place where David is.

Psalm 144: Following my Ecclesiastical thought of late, I too wonder why You would ever take notice of such a wretch as me, Jesus? There is nothing in me that is truly useful for You unless You put it there. I am calling out to You, Jesus, with the same words as David, “part the heavens and come down, touch the mountains and made them smoke.” (v. 5) I want to see You too… I guess deliverance isn’t my motivating factor, but I could sing and praise You for You have delivered me already from so much and blessed me beyond my imagination.

Psalm 145:  This psalm is tracing a pattern of thanks throughout time. Jesus, at this point, I am almost tired of saying “praise” so I want to look at something about You to do with time that really gets to my soul. Your power, I don’t even understand how You in Your timeless magnificence, that glory of Your kingship, can be so patient with us, reigning over all the ages in which we fail. You remain upright over all time, in spite of all I do, fulfilling my desires for I fear You. I guess that is because the desire of those who fear You between all the ages is just for relationship with You. I want to be so constant in remembering You out loud, remembering who and how You are as You are in ruling so graciously over me. Help me to keep blessing Your holy name.

Psalm 146: Where does the spirit go forth , where does it go off to?  It is the spirit, I guess, within each person that we are supposed to love. But we are all fleeting spirits, I guess, except for You Jesus. You have a sort of constancy through Your resurrection that all of us covet, and look for in one another cause we want body with the spirit. Hope in an invisible spirit, You my Jesus, is hard when I want the face to face closeness. I am sure You are speaking straight to my heart when You say You will give sight to the blind and lift my bowed self up: You will show my Yourself to my spirit when I cannot see You with my eyes. Ok, so Jesus is that how You love me, showing me Yourself?

Psalm 147: I think it really is a pleasant thing to praise the Lord, because my heart can just release itself from the bonds it used to be bound up in.  But right now, Jesus, I think I am getting pretty burned out of words to give to You. I need a reorientation. You have seen the heavy load on my mind, and I know if I persevere, it will go away. You really just take delight in me hoping in Your faithful love, don’t You. Sometimes, Jesus, I think I’ve looked at Your love as a distraction away from life, but that can’t be true at all. Look, You infiltrate Your word into my very life in irresistible ways, and it soothes over my soul. You are an unstoppable force of love, I know You will overcome me, so here, I surrender. Love me, then. I will love You back.

Psalm 148: O Jesus, I think You have such a beautiful name… and I guess everything in creation just characterizes Your name more and more. I think maybe the decree by which You established the eternal nature of creation was that they praise Your name, too. So when You come back, will the sun and moon be disobeying, or have I misunderstood again? I love how the psalmist calls Your name “sublime” with transcendent splendor. O my Jesus, let me taste of that splendor because that must mean heaven is permeating earth even right now. And somehow its all focused on You and Your name.

Psalm 149: I too am asking for a new song, Jesus… forgive me if the word “Praise” does not roll off my lips for a while, my heart needs a new thread to run after in impassioned fervor with You. What a picture You give me of my salvation… a crown for my head, like a helmet, and then into my hands You place a two-edged sword, which I am guessing is Your word and Your spirit. But what if that sword is merely piercing my hands, cutting my heart, and the wounded hands become Your own… and those are the tools of mass destruction?

Psalm 150: Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia…
I think Jesus I am tired of Your alleluias. But explore with me in my imagination again, so I can get one final glimpse of something special with You. Why is Your heavenly place described as a vault… are only those with access to the keys of kingdom. I like that, thinking of going up to be with You as a secret place, a hidden away place, where I close the door and am safe to say everything and anything and I will still always be loved. Ok, I can praise You for that, thank you Jesus for keeping my secrets and drawing them out of my soul.  Maybe I won’t have breath to praise with at the end of the alleluias.. I might just be breathless!

Psalm 131:  Can I boldly proclaim the same that I am not trying to go after what is too far above me, that I am not haughty? Is haughtiness that chasing the wind Paul talks of? I do wonder beyond my comprehension, don’t I Jesus? How should I be, quiet? Silent? Is this speaking of my spirit, then, Jesus if it has something to do with hope? How do I hold myself in quiet, Jesus? I just let myself feel that deep love You have for me and all is well? Rest in peace?

Psalm 132: I  think I will remind You too, my Lord God, how I have obligated myself in order to evoke a response out of me. David was restless over Your dwelling place, am I so restless too because Your glory is not being given adequate residence amongst the people who are to be Your temples now? David swore himself to perpetual restlessness… have I done the same? You no longer have an arc to ascend and all Your people are now nations of priests; we are clothes in Your saving justice, like the image of You we bear within ourselves.  You promised Yourself to David’s heritage when he proved His love for You… and You have already done the same for me. Vs. 15 and 16 almost make me think You could be talking about me, for I am part of Your home.

Psalm 133:  I think its like heaven to live as brothers together … but we never really seem willing to do this. Brotherly love? Do we even know the meaning of the words? I long for such brotherly unity… and I know I am not always a contributing member myself. Lord help me be merciful and bask in Your mercy even when I am feeling just totally different. It is because I love You and want to be connected with You that I want to be one with my brothers and sisters… one with You, one with the Father… both are synonymous with unity between us. Oh divisiveness… Jesus, help me control myself and bless others so that the divisions they draw are not in my life or reacted to wrongly.

Psalm 134:  I love this call to come stretch out my hands towards the sanctuary of You, my Jesus. I am reminded of the part of the Mass where we stand up and open our arms and hands before God, and pray the Lord’s prayer. I feel as if we are inviting His presence in the midst. It is a risky business for me, opening my arms up to God. I feel as if You might just run at me sometimes Jesus and catch me up in Your arms and I will never be able to focus again. You call me in this psalm  to ask You for a hug, for blessing… why else would I open up my hands? Maybe for nails?

Psalm 135:  I am confounded by how many words the psalmists seem to have in order to offer You love , my God. Something spontaneous about praise seems to defy the orientated state which its supposedly offered in.  But the descriptions of Your work here are just breath-taking. Yet sometime, I just want to get beyond creation with You, my Jesus. Here are my favorite verses in 15-18 showing just how stupid I am… why the psalmist elaborated on creation for so long: its something I can never do, but I can made little idol things. So Jesus, I am praising You because You are above my comprehension and my creation. So when I am working on imagining with You, it is always something which begins beyond my comprehension, a gift of a thought from You. Jesus, You are just too much fun. I have to laugh at myself and my pitiful “gods”.

Psalm 136:  Let me see if I can mirror this Psalm in my own life:
I give thanks to You Jesus, for You are good,
Your tender mercies surround me all the time.
I give thanks to You Jesus, the only Savior,
You are always demonstrating Your mercy to me.
I am magnifying You Jesus because You are King over all kings,
How incomprehensible Your merciful regard for me!
You are light, embodied love, working wonders wherever You plant Your feet or touch with Your hands: You cast aside the confusion that surrounded my soul, You drove away the nightmare that prevented me from rest. With persistent prying, You removed the instruments of harm from my grasp and replaced painful focus with visions of You. You have brought me to valleys which seemed to steep to navigate, yet even when I fell traveling through them, You brought me out more in Your strength than when I entered. You always rescue me from the lies I am tempted with, Your faithful love is always my refuge. You are not just my God in Heaven, You are also my ever-present, ever-living God on earth. Thus I praise You my Jesus.

Psalm 137: There in the darkness I sit, a perpetual vision and oppressive weight of memory; I sat there long ago and a thought can return me to that place of shadows even now, for I am weak my Savior. In that dark place I had given up words to speak to remain in mourning, and You taunted me with Your very words, for they strove to elicit response from my empty soul which struggled for breath. How amongst the dead could I sing of the ever-living God, how could I betray my hope for more with acceptance of the now. My mouth was too dry, wrung out of all my tears by bitter regret and joyless existence. I  could not even ask You to remove my oppressor, for I tormented myself in Your presence by bearing up sin. What children did my soul have to dash upon a rock? All this life produced was worthless achievement if not weighted down by Your glory to be blown away. So I stand from the darkness to a place more flooded with light and beg You to blow the breath which will uncover, remove, replace. Atone?

Psalm 138: I  stand still, and the darkness now sits at my feet, off the mountain, chased back into the valley by my delivering king. You heard the wordless cry of my soul dying to be close to You, desperate for the touch of You. I fall on my face, and joy is overwhelming, because for me it is good to be near to You. I am like a flower, craving the glow of the sun; when he hides his face at night, my life hangs in a balance and until he shines his face on me again, my hope id hidden beyond recall.  You have done all things for me already my God, You will continue to make them more and more real in me.. I praise You for You have not abandoned me, the word of Your hands.

Psalm 139: I know that You are always watching me, Jesus, I am always in Your presence, Your scrutiny.  You splay me out as a corpse on the dissection table and work that Spirit with Your hand to divide my living life up and open to Your eyes. You understand even the thoughts that run through my mind too fast for me to identify and probe. Your hands are on me, I cannot evade Your grasp or hope to get away… It is so hard for me to understand You who know my fibers and mechanisms better than I myself… why would You still love me? I have thoughts like David here… endless grains of sands, and when I have sorted through all of them, You are still patiently sitting with me, chatting with me. I too beg You to test me so that I may know what You know of me and may be guided on Your eternal path.

Psalm 140: I  rarely find a person who would boldly lay hands on me and do me violence, but somehow, my God, I find words are so much more hastily thrown about; so much more is murdered with the tongue than the body. My spirit can be murdered in the mind of another by the slander spoken of. Jesus,  I think love and trust, those precious immaterial bonds between people can be killed by words. Jesus, I do not want to cause any person to think ill of another. Let me offer mercy and Your healing words over others which might flow too naturally. Let me be honest, but help me be kind and know how to speak the truth in love, with as much tender compassion as You would. You have saved my soul from the words of others, for their words do not affect You;  Restore what You will and give me peace about what is destroyed, even as my soul aches in You.

Psalm 121: My eyes are going up, traveling to a height because there I am not sure if heaven and earth are distinguishable. I am looking over at the horizon because there I see endlessness and my heart thinks of You being eternal, my Jesus. I look upwards because only in glory can You be seated and I cannot imagine glory in this mud hole I am in. You are my help in that endless, spacelessness.. no distinguishing distance from me. Up? That’s how You lift me so I don’t have to trip and be counted as the wicked; being in the horizon, I am sure Your light is perpetually covering the earth, guarding me wherever I am. Here I place myself, within You, that Your purpose may be established.

Psalm 122: I  guess I  am traveling, Jesus, something I wasn’t always sure I really wanted to do, but here we go, I am forced to move on towards Your home, which I guess is called Jerusalem, another land. Another land? Why not here? I guess I have to consider it another land to keep me from complacency, to keep me working. I look up and try and see Jerusalem and I think I am calling it heaven… and maybe I am looking at it already. I don’t think it’s a place I am going to be able to flee to, but maybe just a change: unity, justice, peace, love. All those things are captured and caught up in their fullest extent within Your home because You are there. So how isn’t it here, did we lose the chance? I can let You dwell in me, but I may not live in heaven. You will have consume all first and overwhelm with your love  to convince.

Psalm 123: Again I find You up in heaven when I want You right here, Jesus. Maybe I just think You are dispensing mercy from far above me right now when in fact You are amongst me in the world in me and through me. I have fixed my eyes on You and begged You for pity from my own mocking thoughts, they are far more than I can bear: speculative questions that deter my trust. Let me never remain complacent, for it is too easy to fall into it! I have had my full share of self-scorn, help me embrace Your mercy.

Psalm 124: I am reading this responsive psalm, and I think I am going to praise You in it: Jesus, if You had not been on my side, I would have been able to destroy myself. Jesus, if You had not loved me and had mercy, I would have been gravely deceived. If You, Jesus, had not had mercy on my I would be unaware of my condition before You. If You Jesus were not willing to absorb my death, my life would be meaningless. The flood of You that was dissolving me and eroding me continues in its painful process, but this time when You build something in me, it is not changed by the river, but strengthened. You are my escape from myself, Jesus… and someday You will help me face that well. I love You.

Psalm 125: Jesus, I look at my faith, and I wish it were a mountain. Here is what I am before You, as confidant as I may be in moments: You are always washing over me, lapping against me, and like a handful of sand, only a few grains are left after each test. I wish I were a mountain, all made of rock, higher than the rivers could lap over. You encircle the little bits of me, I think You are combining them into stones. So now my faith is a rough pebble. I do not always do good, but I want to, my heart is sincere. I am working at my faith, Jesus… please keep me from being twisted and crooked! Make my faith strong like a mountain, where You and I will refuge and others may also.

Psalm 126: See, I belong to Your Mountain, or maybe I was held captivated by Your presence on Your mountain. I can relate to living in a dream, because there was a time when You and I were so distant because I could not perceive reality Jesus.  You were with me then, I see now, but I could not sense You then. You tell me You are my help and redeemer, Lord have mercy. You kissed me awake, like sleeping beauty in a dream, transforming me at the same from froggish ugliness into reflection of Your holy beauty. May all who have witnessed Your metamorphosis in my life praise You. May my life be open enough for them to see the scars of old shame from which I am now redeemed.

Psalm 127: So we are talking about building after metamorphosis and destruction the rebuilding process has to take place by You alone, at Your hands, with Your materials. You have to admit I am a resourceful person, I have lots of ideas… none of them are good enough to be the only thing You use in Your image-making. Of course my designed would have a much better idea of how to portray Himself than I who have never seen Your face. I am in love with You, so I will allow You Your reconstructive surgery… nothing cosmetic, all  of it wrought within my soul. Sometimes I wonder if You install time bombs in my system… what is going on within me, my God? Build as I want Your birthright to fulfilled in me.

Psalm 128:  I like this psalm, because it reminds me Jesus that my faith is tied in irrevocably with the walking part, the working as we like to call it. If I fear You, I will walk in Your ways. If I work, I will be provided for; You are not a cruel God who enjoys endless turmoil of an enslaved people. I am free to work and be blessed in You, praise be Your name forever.

Psalm 129:  You have preserved me from constant bombardment, O God… You allow it, but I am never overcome. Thank you for such mercy. I suppose each time is just a test to make me strong and prove my character, perfect my faith… force my words into my actions… drive my mind and my heart together. Thank You for uniting my whole being as such. Let me never act in hatred of Zion, for I do not want to be confused and lose sight of You in the justice of Your judgment upon the wicked. May I be upright as You are upright.

Psalm 130: I am sure I too am crying from the depths of somewhere… I do not even know, maybe I am lost. I am longing, I am pleading because I just want to be sure Your listening. And unless You want to give me existential evidence of Your existence, we’re always going to have this tension Jesus.  So You forgive me that I might revere You? You’re amazing, Jesus, the trust I can place in You. I am able to rely wholly on Your magnificence because You always forgive. So when I am incomplete… I know You will see me through by Your mercy.

Psalm 111: How will I ponder Your deeds and delight in them today, my Lord? I have seen the beautiful morning, the clearness of the sky… those are so full of majesty and splendor that I think You must have wrought Your image into such work. And it bears the fingerprints of Your wonder, but I am the remembrance of Your image here, Your prize piece of work.  And somewhere I think that the memorial of Your hands must also be active, not just existent. So here I am to worship and bow before You, to serve You even today. Whether I statically work just preparing my own heart and mind, may the works of my hands be faithful and just, reflecting Your trustworthiness. I am the means by which Your praise will continue forever, because I am in love with You and cannot help but speaking Your name. Everything You have done and are continuing to do is my continual offering of praise by living as You are. I suppose living with others is the only true way to test that.

Psalm 112: How I wish my delight was always in Your commandments, I find myself neglecting them sometime and not caring too much about that. I want to be constant in obedience, because then I am most fully in You and You in me. In think that allows me time to serve You through preparation… my purpose of all the study and work I do with my mind and heart is always in preparation. You grant me rest so I can serve You. Make me more honest, Jesus, wholly unify my personhood so I am one before You. Somehow You, the Father, and the Spirit are one… something I don’t know if I understand. Help me be as this wise, upright person who fears You: always giving, always honest, never fearing, giving to the needy. It sounds ideal Jesus, but maybe that is possible. You say “Be” and I say “impossible.” Help me be constant Lord Jesus.

Psalm 113:  All this blessing Jesus, command and declaration of blessing again and again, I don’t think I have reflected enough to thank You like this from the depth of my souls. O it is easy enough to just say words, but You want more than words. My words and my heart must be one. Unify my person, again, Jesus, I have got disconnected since the last time You drew me deep into You. I am so glad that when my soul is barren of words because I cannot reflect that You reach down and reorient me. Jesus, I think I need Your refreshing touch again. I fell back in love with You last week, now renew my digging into the depths of my heart… place in my hand that spiritual knife to carve deeper and discover more, that I may truly praise You.

Psalm 114: Everything runs away  at God’s presence… Lord my God I am so totally overwhelmed, but there is no where to flee. Jesus, I am reading this last verse, v. 15,  about my God “who turns rock into pool, flint into fountain.”  You melt everything, yet I cannot melt. So can we try something? Today, Jesus, I need to be immersed in You, so can I ask You to melt me? Lord Jesus Christ, the lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, the one who has disclosed the glory of the Father, You are too much for me right now, and yet I long for You. As everything is fleeing away, I am aching to be closer. My soul is thirsty… I would say for Your life-giving blood, but even just in Your presence I would be content.  And I am in Your presence. Help me to imagine You as tangible reality today, I need You Jesus.

Psalm 115: This echoes the cry of my heart lately Lord Jesus as I am trying to find out where I have allotted my own worth and value and trying to divest of those things so I am forced to You. For Your name, my Jesus, is great and greatly to be praised. So here is my life, I have laid it on Your altar, and I am willing to go, to do, to apply myself to anything as long as if brings my Beloved Lord glory. You are in Heaven, here am I on earth… and Jesus I think that difference is just of dimension, it can’t be more. You are right here, just hidden from eyes and sense. So what am I, more than a golem bearing Your name, more than a mere living ephod… I bear Your image. I am Your feet, hands, voice… through me You feel and touch, walk and dance, sing and speak. Here am I in the earth You have given me with the task of being You here while You move in the Heavens. How I love You… my work will be done when You take my life. Make Your image full and complete here, Lord.

Psalm 116: “I am filled with love when Yhwh listens…” (v.1) Jesus, let me sing You another love song because You have acted in response to the cries of my heart. When I have been distraught and unable to feel or react even humanly, You touch me, You move me, You do not let my existence grow stale. How tender are You my Jesus… so sweet are the words of Your mouth encouraging and refreshing my heart to bring me back to a place of peace no matter how distraught my heart. I know You are the only purest Lover to be relied on, so I have committed myself wholly to You. I am alive, living always in Your presence, thus I am filled with joy before You… and cry out to be Your servant thought You take me as Your beloved… this is the greatest love and mercy I have ever  known.

Psalm 117: Let me speak of Your faithful love and Your never-ending constancy to me just in the past few days: Jesus, You have seen the weariness of my soul, yet You awoke me to songs of gladness because You love me. You gave me energy to run this morning when my bones were so weary. I have taken joy in those cherished moments of Your mass where I sit in a different sort of presence with You and feel as if I could absorb You through the very pew. How I love You, O  Lord Jesus. Even now, You allow me time to work, thank you , thank you. You are so loving, I feel as if You touch my weary head and it is still strong.

Psalm 118: How are You good? Oh so many ways, too many too count… so I will praise You for the goodness and unexpected mercy of Your provision for this summer: You have given me a purpose of serving up in New Hampshire and answered my distress with peace. You work so subtly sometimes…I wish I could just let go in You. You always have options for me, there is never an end of purpose, that is faithful love too. There I will be in refuge, that You know what You are doing in spite of me, and You will use all I do. I was pressured by so many decisions, and yet I just dutifully prayed to You… struggled sometimes in that prayer to even say words to You, for that is how I struggle before You: paralysis of word and action. Your spirit interceded with my own and I rejoice that I have been able to find work, and will continue to rejoice as You show Yourself to me more and more over the summer.

Psalm 119: Oh Jesus, I so want to be blameless… I just love Your Torah, I really do. I have never taken obedience lightly, but perhaps far too harshly  at times. Can I really treasure Your promises enough to avoid sinning against You? Jesus, I love  You so much… help me keep my eyes open and fix within me things which will cause me to remember Your law, Your love. I do find myself shaking at the thought of how awful my disobedience really is… O Jesus, Jesus I never want to fall away from You. You are so full of grace and mercy when I error… help me allow myself that mercy and maintain resolve not to sin, just renewing that if I do. More love and power be unto You.

Psalm 120: This psalm is speaking of words and language, Jesus, things which I do not always engage well. I find things slipping from my lips that You might call treacherous. When I am tired, words fall or silence reigns, but I am not mindful enough. So desperately do I want to be filled with words that please You and make this journey of life a blessing and testimony of You. If it takes wounding arrows and burning coals to purify my soul of words that it should not contain, I beg to You to be merciful and dispel me of them. Even as friends and I were talking last night, I found my heart hesitant to speak itself, because sometimes there just isn’t love in it. Make me whole in my words Lord Jesus, so if the true condition of my heart must be seen in my error, I would beg You to expose me that I may find salvation. Because I love You and want Your word within me.

Psalm 101: Lord Yhwh, Your love truly is faithful, I am in awe of the wonders You have shown to me, unworthy as I am. Your faithfulness attracts me irresistibly, and I am compelled to stand before You, drawn ever nearer on this path named blamelessness. Am I worthy? Do You care? You real in my heart and cause my whole being to ache for the same holiness You radiate: thus I will live in purity before You, my G-d, I will keep my eyes undefiled so as not to pollute my imagination into which You pour Your very word. While I am not full of hate for those who do wrong, I am grieved by the deeper wounds those of Your own people would inflict with hearts that love evil deeds. I confess I am too often privy to secret slander… and my soul weeps within me to hear such hatred pass from brother to brother. I fall silent, my Lord, I am unable to respond or I will be known as one who does not belong amongst the wicked. My Yhwh has called me to truth, may the city of Yhwh be established in which no evil can abide.

Psalm 102: Would You hear the plea of a heart that can no longer sense You presence and wastes away like smoke? I was wearing away, my G-d, I know You are near, but until I could sense You answering me, my strength will fade from my bones. I remember those days when my bones stuck through my skin and my heart was so lost in mourning I could find no refreshment in food and no desire to eat. I had only tears to eat, and they did not satisfy me, Yhwh, I knew only a drink from Your living water, a piece of bread from Your sustaining flesh, Word of God, would restore me. And there You found me, helpless without desire for life, and You touched my soul, You made me whole and renewed the life within my blood. My heart found rest in Your constant enthronement and I knew my life was in Your hands. I ask only that whatever days You give me, You keep me in a constant place of praise and adoration, not only bowing on my face before You, but lost in the tenderness of Your embrace. By continual obedience will I be secure in Your presence, O Lord Yhwh my G-d.

Psalm 103:  I have commanded my soul, the entirety of my being, to bless You, my Jesus, my Father Yhwh, my Holiest Spirit: You alone possess the Holy Name, and I am in awe of the wonder which its very utterance commands. You are continually engaging in conversation with me, action for action, word for word, and all I find You doing is forgiving and purging me, redeeming my life from the waste that I decimate it to, crowning me with Your love, contenting my very soul with delights, causing me to fly. My Jesus, why are You so good to me? I remember the goodness You demonstrated to Moses and all the children of Israel, and I find myself in the same desperate sins;  You have raised me high above this earth in Your love Jesus—I think I must be flying since You have removed all that is despicable from within me. From east to west You have removed my faults, that wind of Your spirit just rips them out of my very hands; You have blown me away by those wounded hands which hold my sin so far from me, I cannot even grasp onto guilt or You too take that and destroy it. My God, my God, why such a mercy, how can You so love me? And Yet You are sovereign, how can I withhold my love? It is You alone whom I will adore.
Psalm 104: I think I read this psalm and I try to picture You, my Jesus. There You are, arrayed about by the glorious tent of clouds, emerging as a radiant bridegroom… more brilliant than the sun; a majesty I can’t even describe… “light as a robe”! (vs. 2) Here You walk towards me, the heavens are the isle upon which You tread to reach forth for my hand. And then the description has faded to Your creation… You clothe Your creation, not just flooding the dry earth with a garment of water, but You fill us with provision for daily living. So I look at how all the wild things depend upon You, O God, and I am amazed. Everything just rests in dependency on You, I am far too complicated for that, Jesus, I don’t want to just trust. Maybe I am still like Paul said, clinging to my achievements, my merits but I know they will not support me. So just as those creatures you made are more able to survive  in Your wild than I, I know I am helpless aside from You. I love this second to last verse, “May my musings be pleasing to him, for Yhwh gives me joy.” (V. 34)

Psalm 105: We’re all about praising God and recounting all of His wonders: I am called to rejoice in my pursuit of Yhwh and relentlessly, tirelessly pursue Him, sometimes through remembering all He has done. How does one run after God without growing weary, isn’t this a weary land? I see examples here of faithful who imagined God had to be there because of the need for something greater, something more that what was in life: Abraham in a place of many Gods must have sensed some emptiness; Joseph in  prison, in slavery has to believe in more possibility to life than imprisonment; Israel enslaved in Egypt… all of these in lands they never wanted to be in, hemmed in by unwelcome situations.  All these were delivered out of those lands and states of captivity. On today, the 7th day of Passover, the Jewish people are remembering that deliverance under Moses where You washed away their enemies in the waves of the sea. You prosper all of us, Your people, as long as we obey You. May I so diligently set aside time to remember my own deliverance and bless Your name.

Psalm 106: So following the deliverance, I find I am not able to maintain that state of blissful praise: look at me, forgetful as Israel, never grasping the meaning of Your wonders (v.7) or bearing “in mind your countless acts of love.” Why are You so patient with me, forgetful as I am? I have not excuse to behave as I do, daily based on all You have proven Yourself to be. You always have to be saving me, don’t You my Jesus, standing in the gap and absorbing Your Father’s wrath. Is it hatred, that outpouring of wrath? You never let Him destroy me, and since I am one with You, I am one with Him. How then can I continue to doubt Your promises and scorn Your land? If I do not accept goodness at Your hand, I am committing adultery through sacrifices to lifeless gods. It strikes me that I try to author life within my imagination with those false gods, but You alone are the creator… my imagination is a fragment of that life, further invigorating You to me. Yet I still deliberately defy You, my God, my God, so torn by the horrendous sin of a betrayed lover by  the beloved who loves Him still yet continues in adultery. You remember forever that covenant You have bound me in, and so You ensure me compassion and mercy. May my memory reflect Yours.

Psalm 107: Here I am, that same harlot bound to You by Your faithful love-covenant… sometimes I think if it were not for Your maintenance, I would slip out of love with You and not even know it. You throw me into scorching deserts to convict my of my condition, so merciful is Your discipline O Lord my God; You rescue me when I cry to You. How You save me from myself by subduing this wild spirit… all things are done by You in mercy, for my good, for the glory of Your salvation. You inflict and You deliver, and I praise You for both, because both extremes are interwoven on the continuum of Your unending, faithful love. Your word is how You deliver me, sending out Your word to cure me (v. 20). I have been caught in the middle of earthquake destruction caused by You, in the midst of Your sea at which I am Your mercy: yet there is always blessing a peace at the end… the hope of peace subdues my soul when I am enduring the torment of living purgatory at Your hand, Lord Yhwh. May I understand Your faithful love so I may always adequately praise You.

Psalm 108: Can I say that my heart is ready to praise You, my Jesus? Is there ever a time where I am fully prepared and confidant to come before You, to invoke Your presence to me by music? If words of You could speak You into being such that Your glory would radiate brighter than the dawn, I would sing and praise to everyone I met. Sometimes I doubt the constancy of such brightness, because I cannot see it. You tell me to have faith eyes, because You are indeed exalted over the heavens and Your glory encompasses the whole earth; all of my very existence is permeated by You. Because of this, with You I “shall do deeds of valour, He will trample down my enemies.” (v. 13) Sometimes, I would rather praise You for the peace without enemies, but peace and love must be bigger than that.

Psalm 109:  So in the midst of a need, like David, I find myself praising You, because when all words have been spent, too few have been paid in honor of my Lord and King of the Universe, Yhwh my God. I imagine this is something like what Jeremiah and Jesus would have prayed to You, Father Yhwh, that hate is being given for friendship, evil for kindness. Can I risk the next sort of words, unleashing the rage that boils in my heart to You, Yhwh, for what I might still harbor? O deceitful heart, I wish You would be empty of such feeling and reaction… let me cry in grief and be heartbroken over wrong rather than hate… I wish You would just change that feeling. But is that asking not to be like You, Jesus? Yhwh? All I want is what David is crying in vs. 20-21… that Your blackened name be justified, does that require the hate? Am I so bound up in You that my degradation is Your own? What is it to be one with You, so interwoven that I cannot be distinguished from You? I guess, Jesus, I am part of Your body, Your temple here… something in me is tired of blood, Yhwh, bring them who defame Your name to repentance and save the lives of the poor.

Psalm 110:  This psalm reminds me of the anticipation I am seeking to maintain about heaven: it almost sounds too idyllic my God, to be given so much. Sit at Your right hand with Jesus? Why so much favor, I am undeserving! I read through this declaration and it just reminds me wholly of You Jesus, though I wonder what was on the psalmist’s mind. This is such an actual state when the present reality may entirely defy such statements and declarations. I lose hope so quickly Jesus or I am blind to life because of idealism. Jesus, I want to see You now, maybe even if You are not standing here as I wish, with that royal dignity, outstretched throne, eternal priesthood and justly authority. Be my vision, for You are Lord of my heart, and fill up my gaze in a way that compels me to act.

Last night was rough, Jesus, because something about our conversation hadn’t been right all day, and I recognize confusion looking back. I am finding when I venture out of the shell I have decided to call my “self” separating the two because I don’t know if this is what You made me to be, but this is what I have chosen to find meaning and value. I paused in the middle of my work yesterday, and wondered out loud to You where I was finding my meaning that day… the list of homework assignments I’d gotten done, the list of communications I could check off a necessary list, the number of emails answered… or was it the people  I’d hoped to talk to, the books I waned to read? Does any of this matter, Jesus? Sometimes when we have very sporadic conversations throughout the day, I know I lose focus. Sometimes I don’t even know what the focus should be Jesus.

I think that’s why I need Your word so much in my life. I need You speaking to me, drawing me out of that list which dictates daily accomplishments in my daily planner… because setting back into my own thought world can be very safe and comfortable, but the moment I venture out of my shell,  I am confused. So after Hebrew class yesterday morning, Jesus, I was confused about how we could say that we love each other when we separate. And then I look at myself, and see how naturally I separate, how little I love others, maybe I think I do more than I do. Priorities get confused so easily, Jesus… where is the balance between my community and my studies? I am so grateful that You have allowed me classes that pour into my conversations and living with others this semester, You stretch me.

But I am still living in the shell… I manufacture reality in hours that probably shouldn’t exist in my day. And when feeling You is so important to me, sometimes I get out of balance with that too: Jesus, You may  be intense, but You have this continuum sense about You, encompassing so much that I need to allow myself to remain caught well between  the two extremes which tug at my heart, as uncomfortable a place as that may be. You stayed there, caught in between the religious and the sinners, between God and man, and You worked it out well. I find the edges very attractive. I am drawn to the centers of the controversies because somewhere in side me I can’t wholly go on one side or the other… all sides of the line contain souls to be loved, truth to be recognized,  more of You to be known. I see You in the middles, but the middles are confusing places.

I ask questions about the things that can’t be answered… I probe some things You have not specifically spoken… I want to know things You tell me I should not know now. You have given me the days before me and tell me to live them. I must engage the moments and the people in them thoughtfully… because I seem to remember from Fr. Bourgeouis’ homily that I cannot be connected to You without being connected to my brothers and sisters. Yet You see me, a tendency to the shell, a place where I want to feel You too… But You say go to the people. We need those times alone, Jesus, for there You restore my soul… be it alone in Your word or alone with another before You. So focus, solitude, love… those are the burdens on my heart that I am bringing to Abraham.

So much in me is seeking to understand You and Your word… who You tell me You are… merciful—You look beyond the actual mess that I am into Jesus. Yet You do not ignore me in my faults, You reach down and restore my soul when I cry to You. Yet You ask me to work at it…. You compel me to work at this faith of visualizing Your word. You spoke audibly to Abraham, my God Yhwh, You gave Him a promise and then a conflicting command. Have you done the same to me? You have called me to live a new life, and then You tell me to die to myself. What am I without self, my Jesus? That is what I guess we are figuring out, when You strip away even those things I find necessary to meaningful existence and reorder the discipline of my life.  I am getting too systematic about my disciplines last night. I don’t even remember feeling that midnight run. I know it happened, but what was the point? How can everything I do be for the kingdom of Heaven?

How do I live a life worthy of Your gospel ,constantly in touch, and in love? I don’t understand the apparent contradiction of You becoming great through my failure… of being strong in my weakness. Jesus, I love You, but why do You want to destroy me? Is this that promise, that You will do good, and I think good is other than what You mean? What is the Isaac I struggle to bring up? I know I am weak, but my weaknesses are not so apparent in me. Jesus, I know I am weak and struggling in communication… I sink into a shell of idealistic delusion when I  stop talking, because my speech fails. Jesus, but my words get me in trouble when I try and probe. Give me a new heart again, Jesus, for I am weak and fall back into myself when I need to fall at Your feet. I hate being weak… I hate not knowing. But here I am, caught in a place which created both. The middle place is not a vacuum, it is tension, be with me Jesus. I love you, teach me and open my heart… give me faith that I agonize over… faith like Abraham to believe Your word in spite of misunderstanding.

As I begin this blog, I need to explain the purpose of the title, speaking about the dust of my Rabbi. Yesterday night I was privileged to be a part of a discussion group of Christians who are earnestly seeking after the life Jesus believes I can live after Him. We watched a Nooma video put together by Pastor Robb Bell who is into making these little inspirational, conversation-starting film clips that leave a group with thoughts to ponder and discuss. Yesterday’s was called “Dust,” and reminded me of where I am walking towards with Jesus. These past two years at Davis have been some of immense change and growth, showing me the unpredictability of God and the relationship has changed dynamics drastically since I have gone farther in my walk with my Jesus even these past months of this semester.

The final weeks of school are flying out of my grasp at a terrifying speed. In the midst of final projects, some which I find myself composing the night before due… my, life goes far too fast sometimes, and it really is changing on the moment’s notice. Yet I have been learning how to place  conversations with Jesus at the center of my life, that cornerstone which is not moved even when I am so uncertain about how life is actually going to turn out. Our conversations are dynamic… I learn through experience and discovery how that Holy Spirit residing inside of me carves away at my soul to chisel out the image of Christ within me. Here at Davis I have experienced the body of Christ in a new dimension than ever before… and I believe it has drawn me down closer to the dust in which Jesus walked. So I return to the thought about walking with Jesus while bringing in the aspect of dynamic conversation in final Davis term weeks.

Coming here, I continued my purpose of getting to better know Jesus and learning His ways more and more. The idea of Him as a Rabbi has taken on new meaning for me here at Davis where I have found freedom to experiment, question, and feel out my faith, engaging my imagination as I follow the inspiring footsteps of my Jesus. “Feeling” Jesus has been a large part of the walk this semester… just yet another experience, taking another step of being His hands and feet to the world. Listening to the Nooma video yesterday, I heard Pastor Bell discuss how discipleship works: one would choose a rabbi after whom to model one’s life after, and present oneself to his scrutiny before dedicating oneself to being like him… understanding his thoughts, his projects, everything about him in order to carry on his work one day. This is who Jesus has become to me, but someone even closer than this too: my “lover”  in a spiritual sense.

In order to keep my heart and mind focused on who Jesus was and how He did things, I have found myself looking at my hands and imagining that they ache with the wounds He bore: if we Christians are the temples of the Holy Spirit, we form the body of Christ… He is completely filling all of us, and my life should evidence Him. So I am working on being Jesus to others… walking so close in Him and He in me that we are covered in the dust off the roads where each other walks. I have been exploring different forms of Christianity in study and practice a bit as well from the typical evangelical lifestyle that is practiced here at my college: going out to the Dominican School has been  quite the anticipated event as I finish my days here. From my reading about the school and discussion with some of the staff and faculty, I am confidant that Jesus is working and moving in an appealingly ecumenical sense out in Berkeley, California.

Plans continue to develop in God’s timing for how the life transition will work from New York to California, but I really have surrendered myself to God’s will. I remember all those years ago when I was about eleven, when I was struck with an overwhelming compulsion to offer myself up as Samuel to God’s bidding. I am still praying something along the lines of “I abandon myself to You, do with me whatever You may will.” For a very curious young lady without a completely realistic perspective on life, that can seem rather easy to say at times. When I engage my heart with the community or wonder if my past will prevent me from service now and in the future, it’s a little more difficult to believe that Jesus really wants to use me.

But somehow, I think He does, He is. This semester has been incredible in terms of the academic experience: in one of my independent study classes, my professor and I worked on some course-like development which has inspired and encouraged me with ideas for future teaching methods and structure. Discussions have sunk to a deeper level, more personal, as I have allowed God that bloody surgery on my very self-focused heart which has opened me up through confession to the endless opportunities He has placed in my life. Every day, every conversation, every moment of the day is an opportunity to let Jesus fully be in me… to let that Rabbi’s dust blow  onto someone else. I feel often times like I am the dust Jesus walks in… I think of the verse that says He knows how we are formed and remembers that we are dust. I am dust, blowing in the wake of my Rabbi.

I think the Rabbi is walking now, all around this campus of Davis college… where He goes I will go, or He will chase after me and be with me always. That reminds me of some thoughts from Fr. Bourgeouis’ homily yesterday (attending Mass these past few weeks on as daily a business as I can has been part of my experimenting with Jesus …sharing in His mercy, taking in His mercy… sharing in His death daily by learning more and more that what I value is really not as meaningful as I wish it is. These final months, I am clearing out my life, all the things I once held dear, and searching for more of my Jesus to give myself over too. He’s there, all the time, I just need to believe it and work in Him and with Him more. His Mansion ministries over the summer is coming up too… altogether another exciting adventure with  my Jesus.  So many things, all of the important, to which I must divide my time amongst… Jesus, help me make wise decisions as I try and remain focused on that which is most pressing now. Speaking of priorities, I need to return to my study of Genesis 22:1-19, the binding of Isaac.

Through the journey of a day I have encountered You, Jesus, I have sought You out, but it was not for the feeling of You… the sensible sort of feeling that somehow I stretch out my hands and I want to see Your wounds in them, because I don’t want to live without You. I am desperate to contain You in the moments of my life, but I find them evading my grasp beyond my potential to remember, to engage, to think. Yes, Holy Lover, I was searching for You today in the midst of a world which as times I can tangibly sense there is more too… there has to be more in this life than waking up every day and running and moving too quickly. There has to be some meaning and purpose inside of each action and filling every day. But what about when I cannot feel it?

So Jesus, here I come before You, sometimes it feels so long between our real conversations. There is no substitute for close relationship with You, but what does that really look like? The more I talk with You, through the words of my life… somehow those words need to come out in the living. You remind me every day how much I am desperate for you: Jesus, I think I really am desperate for You, Jesus, because I know that sometimes I can feel You and sometimes I cannot. Maybe, Jesus, I am being too busy. Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless. I have hit the end of one of the spectrums… feeling and thinking cannot be divorced… I think I have been trying to hard at this, Jesus… flitting between ideas rather than compounding them into something more that makes sense.

You inspire my ideas, Jesus, but You do not live in them. Here, in this life You’ve allotted to me, You are: the life that I find myself so frequently failing at. I forget who I am, I forget who You are. So Jesus, I have a few minutes, lets chat. Yesterday You watched me struggle, You touched me heart and helped me confess, and I knew I felt You again. I was thinking about that song we sang to You in chapel today… or sometime recently about “You love… like a river, washing over me… I will let the Living Water wash away my stains, let the presence of the Father take away my pain; for Jesus who died took my shame and provided a river of life over me…” You washed over me in an overwhelming way yesterday… why do these floods happen so fast? It is as if I were moved and compelled to something wholly beyond myself, and there You were in the overpowering of the flood… like an irresistible tide, drawing me into the depths of Your ocean. All in a moment’s notice, I was dragged under by Your tow and lost in Your darkness. How deep Your love for me… how vast beyond all measure…

I remember Jesus when those words were a comfort, but I just could not understand. Why would You love me, wretch that I am? How can I love You and put nails in Your hands? Somehow in all my lacking of the passion which should live in my heart… You understand. You know me through and through, somehow truly You keep hold of my love for You—something too far beyond me to understand. This severe mercy of Your love, it breaks me Jesus. In that rushing current of Your river, You tore me apart, You obliterated what I clung too… all I was holding dear that should not have been clung to and cherished. Memories, weakness, pain… the torment that I tried to feed myself peace out of. Yet Your punishment was to bring me peace, not my own affliction. You have been scored and Your hands bear those wounds, not my own… I keep looking at my feet, the ones You are now in and by which You now move.. and nothing shows Your embodiment yet.

I walked into Your sunshine yesterday my Jesus, after You threw off my shame again… You took me under Your wings in the solemn quiet of my grieving… You cast my hands off my eyes and said “go, grieve no more. The sin is done, there is no penance to be had. Here you are, here I am… come enter into the joy of My salvation.” So here we are Jesus, I forgot again, in the fluster of a day that need not have been so busy. But here You are, I think You’re looking at me, smiling.

I am so full of questions Jesus, they blow me about by the wind, and as I’m sure the restless leaves get tired, I too am weary… my heart longs for You, restore my soul. I watch You, standing here at my door, and there is something tender in Your face. But I know who I am, I take off my shoes and put my head on the floor to kiss Your feet. I wish my eyes would cry, just with relief, but my heart does instead what I am too tired to do. It is my Jesus, and here I can rest. You don’t let me stay at Your feet, You tell me I am Your bride. Here You are, King above all kings, the one who has torn away from me, a wretched woman all I thought I had to offer You and are telling me You love me. How disarming… Jesus, I don’t deserve… You don’t let me protest. I am too overcome to resist You, and here I am disarmed before You, excuses falling from my lips to leave me speechless… restore to me words of Your salvation. There is the sunlight in Your smile, the gentle healing in Your voice… the one that right now, only I can hear because You are whispering it into the ear of my very soul.

I know I am in need of mercy, I look down at my feet. But You call me a name that brings tears to my eyes to hear, “Darling” and I know somehow You still love me, it never changes. You take my chin in Your hand, Your eyes are not for me to avoid. “No penance,” You say, “no shame. You are clean, you are perfect with Me, now… for you are my beloved, and I am yours.” I see whats in the wounds of Your hands now, and You bid my to touch them. You are giving me back my life, how I love You Jesus. Again, sealed with the kiss of Your Spirit, I am found wholly renewed in You, to begin again. Here I am to worship. If only I could bow down, but how overwrought my heart…. With love for the one I call my Lord. A renewed covenant… we reformed the old. Though Your image I discarded, You washed me and I am whiter than snow… then in rains the hope, a gentle rain on parched heart. Your kiss and Your touch restore. I am Yours, take this world from me, I don’t need it anymore. You have spoken for my heart, I am at rest, at peace, to go and serve You. You are mine, and I am Yours, I love You Jesus.