As I set forth on my inquiry of three couples’ marriages, I hoped to obtain some valuable insights into how the different personalities of the husbands and wives complemented one another in the marriage relationship, abstracting from my interviews principles for myself on negotiating the major differences between husbands and wives. In selecting the couples I would interview on the subject of “What are the major differences between you and your spouse,” I selected three couples of differing relationship dynamics and ages. For the sake of the paper, I will omit their names, but assign them letter identifications (A, B, and C) to correspond with the particular marriage situation. By analyzing the various answers of the couples in a ten years age range, I realized that personality differences of each need to be negotiated specifically within the situation of each marriage, distributing the characteristics typical roles of husband and wife as situationally necessary, while not abandoning their gender identities as a man and woman.
The first couple (A) is the youngest couple I interviewed, in their mid-40s had been married for over twenty years, has children ranging from seniors in college to pre-Junior High. Inquiring as to this couple’s background, I found that as High School sweethearts, the couple had been very much in love, and did not heed parents’ warnings and married before graduating from college. Their differences that now exist in the marriage, were not the original qualities that attracted them to one another, but the results of differing individual growth after marriage. This couple assumed the typical roles of husband and wife in American society at the beginning of their marriage, the wife staying at home with the children and the husband heading off to work. At the time of my interview, some realizations and developmental changes had been occurring between the spouses.
The wife of couple A had been attending counseling sessions because she felt her husband had become a work-a-holic and abandoned the family conflicts of normal life by retreating into the safe realm of his job. The husband, however, had an entirely different perspective: that it was the wife who had applied unnecessary pressures to change a system that had been working. Clearly, these two different perspectives on the same situation evidence great difference between the two parties involved. I seized this as my chief opportunity to explore the major contrasts between the husband and wife in this marriage. Knowing this couple very personally, they were quite straightforward with me (in individual interviews as well as together) about their perceived differences between them and their spouse. While both seemed to conclude similar results, I found the perspective of each individual differed in the characteristics which it focused on.
Both husband and wife of couple A agreed that they were of contrasting personalities: the wife was very driven, always seeking to communicate, and the husband more laid back, relaxed, and appreciative of enjoying the moment rather than accomplishing a specific agenda. Yet while the wife was motivated to see change occur, she felt weak and unable to effect the change, not bold enough to approach the problem without her husband. The husband was not timid at all, thriving on conversation and beginning meaningful conversation with literally anyone. Yet the husband, in conflict, is quieter, internalizing his thoughts, which frustrates his wife, who is very expressive of her emotion when she feels that she is in a secure environment. These personality traits have altered the typical marital roles this couple assumed upon marriage, where husband was leader and provider and the wife content to be less opinionated and focused on accomplishing certain goals.
The personalities that had developed in this marriage allow the man to maintain his role as provider, but the wife usually sets the agenda of activities outside of work. The husband’s artistic nature complements the wife’s objectivity quite well, allowing him to quietly suggest ideas for family time. Yet even these roles are changing gradually as their children grow up: the wife is heading back to college to “actualize her full potential” through obtaining a Master’s degree in counseling. Insecurities between these husband and wife’s contrasting personalities are gradually falling away as the learn how to communicate and discover their own gifts and abilities through the barriers naturally erected by personality differences. To summarize these differences, couple A’s major difference can be define as the image below (which I call this the “Parallel” model of personalities in marital relationships):
(illustration of 2 circles, 1 labelled “husband” and the other “wife” specifying individual personalities)
Couple B is merely 5 years older than Couple A, but have transitioned into a very different phase of life: Couple B’s children are all grown and out of the home, having been so for about two years. Like Couple A, Couple B adopted the typical American marital roles of the husband as provider and the wife staying at home to raise the children. Yet, differing from Couple A, Couple B were not acquainted with one another in High School, and did not marry till after college. However, the husband of Couple B did return to school after their marriage, striving to change a career goal. The wife of Couple B supported the family alongside her husband (who worked part-time while in school), and instead of enjoying the experience of independence and assertion of ideas, wife B did not enjoy work, and so the birth of her first child was a relief in one sense, though it added to the family financial difficulties. Yet, the husband’s vision for his family allowed them to persevere through difficult years after the birth of their children.
Again, like Couple A, the timing of my interview evidenced that husband and wife of Couple B had changed the distribution of the marital roles per situation to result in very different persons than had first entered the marriage. Some personality traits had remained strong since the beginning of the marriage and were not shared between husband and wife, while the opposite spouse had mellowed others out. The husband of Couple B has remained very much a driven, objective individual who relentlessly seeks until he has obtained a sufficient answer. His wife’s personality is far more like that of the husband of Couple A, artistic, easy-going, and non-confrontational. Thus, the husband tends to organize the direction of the family, while the wife is in charge of social event coordination. The husband’s strong personality has at sometimes caused his wife to feel unappreciated because he devotes himself so thoroughly to his work, while he feels she wastes time through the different, more gradual means at which she pursues interests.
At this point of their marriage, Couple B is beginning to recognize how their two personalities complement one another well, and pursue meaning at their current stage of life through these differences. Wife B has returned to work, only part-time so that she can pour herself into more homely activities such as painting and ladies’ Bible studies. The husband has been affected by his wife’s more methodical approach to life by adopting some activities outside of work to allow himself more breathing room. Couple B is just beginning to see the benefits of the others’ personality traits, and are melding together: the husband is becoming somewhat more relaxed in his driven-pursuit of resolution and the wife is becoming more purposeful in her artistic pursuit of life. Couple B’s distinctions are still evident in spite of melding together somewhat, but are not as clear-cut as Couple A. Thus, their differences are more inter-connected, as illustrated below (which I have entitled “Intersecting” model of personalities in a marital relationship):
(illustration of somewhat overlapping circles with 2 headers listing personality traits of husband under one and wife under other)
Couple C was the most mature couple I interviewed for this assignment, but even they were only a few years older than Couple B, in their early 60s. Couple C has moved one stage beyond Couple B; all children are gone from the home and grandchildren have entered the scene. In Couple C more than Couple A or Couple B, I observed a very noticeable melding of individual personalities. However, some personal characteristics had become even more distinctly pronounced in this couple as they aged together. Again, as both couples previous, Couple C’s marital role definitions had changed significantly since the beginning of their marriage, following a sort of cycle of: (1) initial coming together (unity), (2) discovering more differences/ growth, and (3) greater unity as a result, leading to personal change in both husband and wife.
Couple C, like Couple B, did not marry until after college, and in fact did not know one another until after college. Both had been previously engaged to be married, but did not feel that the engagements were suitable matches, and so began individual lives and careers before meeting. Both husband and wife continued in their careers until children were born, but, as with Couple B, the husband felt a career change necessary to his vocational fulfillment, and embarked on schooling, while continuing part-time work. The wife also took up part-time work to allow for spending time with the children and participate in providing for the needs of the family. For both husband and wife of Couple C, these years were quite re-definitive of their marital expectations, but both remained open and flexible to the change.
Both realized much of their personality when entering into the marriage, but according to their discussion with me, the husband was less sure of himself than the wife. The career change after marriage helped the husband discover who he was and develop his personality according to this new direction. The wife is the more stable personality of the two, having grown and changed over their years of marriage, but remaining considerably more objective than her husband. While the husband is flexible in his thinking and open to dynamic changes, the wife prefers more gradual change and is less confrontational. Yet while the husband engages the brutal truths of life with people, he himself is more an introvert than his wife. The wife of Couple C too would be classified as an introvert, but she boldly approaches and coordinates social situations. The wife sets many of the objective goals alongside her husband, both drawing from the others’ difference of perspective.
While both realize the drastic differences in their personalities that still remain (and acknowledge that conflict still occurs as times because of these differences), Couple C has adopted an attitude of gratefulness for the balance that the opposite spouse’s perspective gives to his or her own thoughts. Both husband and wife acknowledge that while at one time they were in the process of redefining their marital roles based on the situations, Couple C has reached a stable place in their marital relationship that allows for subjective change based on circumstances: the husband sets the overall tone for the family, while the wife is social coordinator. They function in unity together in their separate roles, allowing each other freedom of self-expression as it corresponds with mutual needs. I feel this couple has learned the balance between mutual submission and self-identity. I would illustrate their relationship as more intersected and more distinct than either Couple A or Couple B (I call this the “Overlapping” model of personalities in marital relationships):
(illustration of mostly overlapping circles with 2 headers listing personality traits of husband under one and wife under other)
From observing the characteristic differences between these three couples, I have made several observations about what the couples deemed as their greatest differences. All of the couples responded to the question “What is the greatest difference between you and your spouse?” by listing and describing different personality traits, which contrasted to their own. It was these traits, differing from their own personalities, which lay at the heart of most conflicts these couples encountered in their marriages. From discussion, the same list of characteristics applied to all three couples, each spouse has one of the two possible qualities in the category:
Introvert Extrovert
Static/Objective Dynamic/Artistic
Methodical Experimental/Flexible
Desires Gradual Change Desires Sudden Change
Though each couple had its own combination of husband/wife personality dynamics, each still strove to maintain the biblical roles of husband and wife. While Couple A was composed of a stronger wife personality, the husband’s dynamic extrovertedness balanced his headship in the marriage. While the husband of Couple B was a stronger visionary leader than his wife, she offered him perspective that he had learned to appreciate in his decision making through their years of marriage. Couple C balanced their husband/wife roles with appreciation for these differing personalities to an even further extent than did Couple B.
Through my interviews, I have determined that the greatest personality differences between husbands and wives are best appreciated when viewed as mutual strengths to balance one another out. The negotiation of the husband and wife’s specific duties in a marriage should incorporate their individual strengths and weaknesses so as to best enable them to appreciate and support one another. While the two individuals retain their personalities, I think age and marital experience brings out a greater appreciation for the differences over time.
