Leshem Shamayim: “For the sake of heaven.”

Age: ____________________

Gender: ____________________

<DAVIS COLLEGE ONLY>Position: (Student/ Faculty/ Staff)

Class/Highest Degree Obtained: ____________________

Denomination: __________________

Current Church attended: ____________________

Years as a Christian: ____________________
PLEASE SELECT JUST ONE ANSWER!(If more than one, indicate with is most applicable)

Q 1. How do you think of your relationship with God?
 He is my father
 He is my brother
 He is my best friend
 He is my lover
 Other _________________

Q 2. How do you prefer to worship God:
 Singing with a group of people
 On your face, door closed
 Kneeling
 Reading His Book
 Other _________________

Q 3. How do you express Jesus’ love to others:
 Hug
 Encouragement/Conversation
 Note/Letter
 Gift
 Interaction/Time
 Other _________________

Q 4. Where is Jesus when you talk to Him:
 Standing in front of you
 Standing above you
 Sitting next to you
 Walking with you
 Sitting with His arm around you
 Other _________________

Q 5. When you were scared of the dark as a child, what did you want Jesus to do?
 Sit on the foot of your bed
 Fight off the demons in the shadows
 Sing you a lullaby
 Let you squeeze Him like a teddy bear
 Other _________________

Q6. Which element of God’s character do you focus on most in your faith?
 Justice
 Mercy
 Righteousness
 Holiness
 Love
 Other _________________

Q7. What sin that you do offends Jesus most:
 Lying
 Cheating
 Stealing
 Pride
 Other _________________
Q8. How is God feminine? He isn’t, Heretic!
 Only in His Compassion
 God’s feminine side is His emotional-ness
 Holy Spirit?
 Other _________________

Q 9. How does your sin affect Jesus?
 He cries
 He is disappointed in you
 He becomes angry with you
 He hurts for you
 Other _________________

Q10. How does God speak to you?
 Feeling in the pit of your gut
 Tug of your heart
 Remembering something from the Bible
 Seeing reflection of Him in another person

 Other _________________

THANK YOU
I am conducting a research assignment for my Research and Statistics course on a subject, which has become of extreme interest to me intellectually, and important to the practice of my personal faith: our perceptions of Jesus. You are doing more than simply partaking in a survey, but contributing to a fellow believer’s spiritual formation. After you complete the survey, please return it to my mailbox by the nurse’s office. If you would prefer a verbal form of this survey, or a digital one, please contact me via email, fideensoluschristus@gmail.com. All personal information will be kept confidential. Thank you very much!

Sincerely, Hannah M. Mecaskey

I went to church tonight and stayed there for about 3 hours. It was purely heavenly.
A five-mile run after a very soul-cleaning experience with God… I cleared my mind again for the second experiment and just begged God to bring to my heart and mind those things that would please Him. And so I just let my mind wander… in the desert I like to say, going out on my desert runs to face my “demons”… those thoughts, which run endlessly through this mind of mine. My demons tonight were confronted full on as those guardian angels of my heart and mind with occupy a lot of the love, care, and concern in my heart and mind. God and I agreed that the thoughts I have, all my questions, are from Him, and so I cannot help those—questions are a gift, if I may humbly suggest that—but those to whom I apply the questions (those I ask) and what sort of tact I apply in the asking/how much I share is up to my discernment. Spirit, give me wisdom, I need lots of it. I am reading through Proverbs and praying through many of them lately… God knows I need wisdom to negotiate this community after my deserts… those gorgeous runs in which I clear my soul of the day and reinvite God in a pure manner into this heart.

But then I return to my community, the place God is working with my on my salvation on… Davis College. I returned with the intent of writing/reflecting on what God and I discussed, what I felt of Him on my run, and the scriptures that were running through my head on the run: I have been praying Hannah (1 Samuel 2) and Mary’s magnificats lately… a lot. As the words reverberated from my soul, the miles flew away on my run, as did the time, I barely noticed the wind, the chill, and definitely was not conscious of my body at all. I flew. Besides reflecting on my mental business and how I need to better focus and needed a reinvigoration of heart… I’ve needed to deal honestly with God about some things from the weekend… and this run as well as yesterday’s 5 miles gave me a chance. So I spilled my heart to God and came back ready for Him to fill me up again.

Before I’d even reached my laptop, I was invited to a conversation with four friends… it started out as the most mature discussion I’ve had with peers on the question of eternal salvation since my early pre-high school youth group chats. When all was said and done, we agreed that it was all about our obedience to God, and in the end, whatever motivated us to stay in a place of obedience to God was what mattered with regards to our theology. Interesting isn’t it, that sometimes I want to hear that God has totally planned out my life, and then other times, I love His unpredictableness. May I just praise God that I as a stupid human cannot and will not “get God” … I love that He’s the Most High God.

So anyways, the conversation turned from theology affecting behavior to the difference of male and female understanding of God. Between 3 guys and 2 girls, it was a pretty amazing sharing time… not too personal but deep enough as the random kinda friends that are comfortable enough to share on that Christian plane. We really would have the most meaningless conversations if God were not the center. And if all of life is worship, then if I do everything for God, we could talk about anything as being God-honoring

God is too merciful to me sometimes, but I do appreciate it.

Seeking His Face, Hannah

“My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior” (Luke 1:26b,27a)
“He will guard the feet of his faithful ones, but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness, for not by might shall a man prevail.” (1 Samuel 2:9)

Maybe I have been too bipolar in my theology and selfishly desire to free my own conscience from the burden of thinking and deciding where to submit to God or now, but in discussion with some lately, I wonder about the limits I have put on my faith, specifically, in regard to the closing of the canon. Were the corrupt doctrines in the church the major purposes for why the canon closed? Should it have been closed, does any of this matter since it was indeed closed? I do not want to do something to God by cutting off His inspiration because the Bible has been completed.

More and more I ponder how the community limits and defines my understanding of the church, both the guarding limits and the prohibiting limits, how much can I add to my own “personal canon” in my understanding of God without broaching upon heresy? I am sure the Spirit still moves. I feel His presence, even when I am neglectful about my work. Lord, keep prodding my conscience, keep me diligent about the work you have set forth for me to do. Obedience is my primary concern before I go about trying to revolutionize the church.

The more I look at these big ideas, the more I realize what a hypocrite I am for not living more openly. I cling to a principle which, though it needs some balancing, basically states that theology is only as good as it affects my daily life. I need theology to sensitize my heart and increase my understanding and value of God and the life He has set before me, but there is always that tension with the sorts of questions I ask: does that really matter to my life?

I think about the canon because I know God has to still be speaking. Maybe the idea of continual revelation from God truly is different today then it was then, and maybe the way He speaks to me is through that divine imagination of His Spirit in me. Of His words in my heart because I read them, try to pray them to Him and listen to them all at the same time. I can be OK with that. I guess I can be alright with not limiting God to a science where I understand Him because of how He has moved.

Since finishing my Kabbalah book, I have been at a loss about what to read… that was the close of one journey, and now I need to begin another, but Celibacy in the Early Church: The Beginnings of a Discipline of Obligatory Continence For Clerics in East and West by Stefan Heid just isn’t cutting it for me. I picked it up because I am curious as to the truly convicted heart behind a vow of celibacy, both volitionally and obligatory. While a celibate may be more available to God, I hear such singles have shorter lives, but I dunno. I am seeking to look at peoples’ motivations, because right now in my life, I have chosen to be set apart wholly to God and His people… so I need to be careful how much time I devote to tackling the theological crises of the church and balance that out, my mental working of this salvation, with practice.

So the fact that I change my position a lot, I guess, shouldn’t matter to much to the stability of my faith. I believe Jesus is the Son of God, that ain’t changing, so the conviction stuff I can keep working on with God. I am trying to know Him better, hear Him better, eliminate my inconsistencies… understand better my place in His world. I am not “normal” so I am told… I just don’t understand, but OK. Whatever God has for me, I need to remain focused on that in day-to-day obedience and not lose sight of His Holiness as I work on my beliefs.

I must admit, “Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood” is quite frustrating… I want so many more details and have far too many questions for the blanket statements made! But, here is my response to: Piper/Grudem Chptr 4.: Jesus’s Interactions with Women;

I am still so confused by the whole concept of women being equal, but at the same time not equal with men: As James Borland discusses Jesus’ interactions with women, it would seem that women are intrinsically equal with men, but still, the differences in nature negate total equality. So as a woman created in God’s image (just as much of the image as a man, yet still different), I somehow understand God differently through the very created nature He has given me. Yet at the same time, I refuse to be inductive about my understanding of my “role” in relating to God by sifting through my presuppositions about female interaction with the divine, so I appreciate Borland’s direct dealing with Jesus’ interaction with women; it offers me food for thought and reflection to ponder as I seek to understand from Jesus’ actions what my role as a woman in the family of God entails.
Jesus really did choose only men to be His Apostles, and somehow, that must be significant to me, a woman, trying to serve Jesus as fully as I am able. Borland opens with recognizing that women, while not serving as Apostles, did serve “in other important capacities, such as praying, providing financial assistance, ministering to physical needs, voicing their theological understanding, and witnessing to the resurrection” (113). As I, a woman, study out Jesus’ revolutionary equalization of women, I do not want to go overboard in my radical enthusiasm, but merely challenge the church to stay consistent with Paul and Jesus’ models of practice. The whole matter women’s roles is based upon Borland’s concise definition of God’s intrinsic value of women: “God never authorized or approved behavior that depersonalized women” (114). Thus, as a personal being, I a woman was created with “self-awareness, personal freedom, a measure of self-determination, and personal responsibility” for my actions (114).
I wonder at Jesus’ three actions which Borland uses to demonstrate His recognition of the intrinsic value of women: (1) speaking to women in public, (2) speaking in a thoughtful and caring manner, and (3) addressing the sins of the women with whom He spoke. While it is all well and good to make not of the fact that Jesus did minister to women with dignity, I think the Church has redefined these ideas of “ministering to women” and “treating women with dignity” according to ideals, which align with the male agenda. When I see Jesus’ actions, I see genuine interest and concern, very natural reaction. The Church’s reflection of this, from what I have seen in my local bodies of Christ, has diminished “ministering to women” to “women’s ministries,” separating us from the majority of events which hold interest for women like me… who aren’t quite as interested in life groups that paint our nails and bake cookies, but would rather engage in a discussion on Jesus’ temptation in the Garden and whether or not He really could sin. From my experience, I believe our churches tend to limit ministering to women to a faction of the type of engagement/fellowship available to men.
Yet, while opening genuine relationship between the genders and giving women the same direct access to Himself that Christ afforded to men, Jesus still recognized gender roles. I agree with Borland that Christ was operating within a social context that was male-centered and led almost exclusively by men. When speaking of roles, Borland generally refers to leadership as being exclusively male within the Church, though he contemplates the possibility that male leadership might only be foundational to Church structure, to be discarded at a later time as the church matured? I think Borland infers too much from the fact that Christ’s followers perpetuated male leadership… I think maybe it can be considered the norm because of tradition, but not an absolute right or wrong as far as leadership goes. The only biblical basis I see is some sort of principle set forth of headship of man over woman… but that is not absolute, is it? I have so many questions that Borland didn’t answer about Jesus’ interactions with women!

I was thinking about the soul in abstraction and practicality yesterday and became grieved every time I remembered what I daily do to this soul of mine… or at least almost daily. How much to I guard my eyes, the gateway to the soul? I realized that I am a hypocrite, and was completely ignorant of it. I talk about guarding the soul and guard my intentional thoughts, what I read, etc… but I have been far too lax and careless with what I allow before my eyes. What I see affects how I look at people, how I think about things, how even I conceptualize God in my heart.

I feel like a rather conscience-driven person, but how much do I limit that conscience? My flesh and my heart long to feel God’s pleasure… to know He is pleased with me. I am firmly convinced by faith that He is, so I think it is the most natural thing in the world for me to long for His pleasure in me. That is why I do what I do, why I write, because I am seeking to intrude upon my own past thoughts, reflect on if they pleased God or not, and redeem those thoughts by setting forth a better pattern of them in my heart. I write, not for anyone else, but as a part of working out my own salvation; if anyone reads and thinks about God because of it, all the better, for I am not a Merton who thinks my contemplation alone would benefit the body of Christ. If He gives me words, I think I must speak them, regardless of whether or not anyone even pays attention: they are for my own edification at the very least.

Thinking about the eyes, the soul, and the heart, several verses come to mind concerning how I can be a better vessel of worship for my God: Job 31:1 talks about making a covenant with his eyes, something which inspired me as novel as very young… the intentional glances, but I think (as I more recently ponder the magnitude of a covenant and the severity of breaking it) also guarding my eyes from unintentional sin, carelessness. The sight of the eyes is the food of the mind. In a culture where I am perpetually barraged with images, why not keep words or nature before my eyes rather than swiftly moving pictures to promote purity of thought. If my mind is full of images, then where do these images come from? Either my imagination, which generates pictures from words, or directly, unfiltered through my eyes.

I went running for 5 miles this morning at 5.30am, and conducted a self-experiment. I didn’t jump start my mind with any thought before I ran, didn’t listen to any music, just prayed as I was tying my running shoes… “God, let me be clear and sensitive to you.” The 38 minutes flew by… unusually fast, as did the miles… and all manner of things traced their ways through my mind… but no thought I had to prohibit myself from contemplation. The pre-sunrise state of the morning and the cool air probably helped keep anything from triggering crazy thoughts.. Hm. Desert?

In order to practice “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world,” (James 1:27), I must guard everything that passes before my eyes, so as to limit those random, sinful thoughts. What is the ratio of words to images that pass before your eyes everyday? Sure, our world is composed of objects, but what do you think in, word or pictures? I couldn’t tell you what Jesus looks like… but I know Him in my heart. Maybe He’s a Word in me.

I have made too many heedless errors with my eyes, heart, and mind before. I want to guard my eyes to keep a clear mind and pure heart, that I might be used however God sees fit. It takes constant work, so why not clear out some bare, desert places where its safe to rest our eyes

Jesus, I wish I could reach out and just touch you.
Do you remember all those nights, when I used to see you, standing in my room?
I can hardly remember what you look like…
But I do remember, even if my memory is just a shadow.
But you were a shadow… a bright, substancey shadow… somewhat angelic but more.
I could feel you, not just see you.
All those nights, when I was alone, in the middle of the night, in the middle of that room
As my sister slept soundly on either side, I alone was awake.
I lay under that thick cover, too scared of the dark shadows to move.
I remember trying to shield my head with that blanket and realizing it would really do nothing.
And when I was unable to feel you in me, when it was too cold inside, all around,
You came and stood at the foot of my bed.
The darkness did not go away, but you were there, and I had to watch you.
Like Peter, I had to fix my eyes on you, or I would drown in my fear.
And I remember the time when that wasn’t enough… just watching you.
With my eyes fixed on you, I felt vertigo as the darkness pounded around.
I wanted to hide again under those covers, and sometimes, would begin to cover my head..
But the darkness would touch me again, and I’d have to look at you.
I was too cold not too, my heart to terrified to look away.
But looking wasn’t enough. I couldn’t keep my eyes open all night.
So I remember when you sat on my bed.
I could feel your weight, there by my feet… my little feet which didn’t reach the end of the bed…
And my toes touched you… you were sitting there by my feet and my toes touched you.
Jesus, I think you kept my feet warm.
The shadows really didn’t like when you entered that place where I could feel you…
They had to back away.
But I remember you, a bright shadow with warmth and substance, sitting on my bed.
I can’t remember what you looked like Jesus…
I remember you had kind eyes to me, very serious eyes.
I remember that you had a quiet smile.
But I don’t remember if you had green eyes, brown or black.
I think you hid all that from me, Jesus.
Perhaps I drempt it all, ever singly last moment of seeing you…
But at the time I was little, I could see you, Jesus, I could feel you.
So I know I’ve seen you, because whenever I look at that foot of my bed,
I remember that you sat there; I remember what it was like.
So I know I’ve seen you… help me remember more.

 Maybe it’s an obnoxious question, but I find it interesting to sit and listen to anyone, men in particular tell me about their personal love for Jesus. In no way is this love homophobic, men for a male Jesus, but it differs drastically from the picture I have of Jesus, who is called the lover of my soul. I am a woman see things so differently than men… I imagine I would feel offended to be called feminine. With all the feminine imagery applied to believers, I thought men would feel awkward saying they loved Jesus, opting more towards the role-model type of “I want to be like Jesus” sort of love. But all the men I’ve talked to don’t find it weird at all that they as a part of the collective church are figured as Christ’s bride or told to love Jesus. Do they love differently than I? Well, men, what do you feel towards Jesus?

For some reason the song off the film “Stigmata” just won’t leave my head… “Whatever Happened to Mary…”. Completely irreligious and incomparable to the Mary of the Bible with her magnificat, nor the Mary of Catholicism… a little extra-Biblical. So I “went click click” to borrow a phrase and pulled up a couple articles written on Mary, just to see what people are thinking and saying. I don’t really know why Mary fascinates me so much… maybe it is because of her controversial continuance in some sort of intercessory role (co-redemptrix) with Christ, possibly because of the huge responsibility she was given as mother of Christ, or perhaps even the mysteriousness of her personhood. I suppose I am intrigued by all the biblical women of faith… Sarah, Ruth, Esther, Mary, Hannah etc… because I tend to feel that Biblical spirituality is not limited to the male experience magnified by the pages of the Book. I think for we women, pursuing God’s heart is a bit different.

One article I found, “Mother Mary: The Construct of a Female Icon-Re” by Michelle Spencer-Arsenault caught me as the authors own journey to understanding Mary as empowerment for her own faith as a Catholic woman.  In describing her own mother, Spencer-Arsenault notes that “though her life and beliefs may not perfectly conform to Catholic teaching, her Catholic faith continues to hold a great deal of appeal and therefore she refuses to abandon it.” hm. So should my faith be attractive to me then, not just some raw commitment, a daily self-mortification of misery? The article turned out to be something more of a discussion on practical theology… how people resolve the contradiction between life and faith. Spencer-Arsenault challenged the idea that faith is a ‘”universal” experience’ by  stating that feminist scholars have “made us more aware of the gendered nature of religious experience and identity,” suggesting that we women are more than mere “passive recipients of religious life.” Spencer-Arsenault obviously has a bit of an assertive feminist in her, and looks to Mary for inspiration.

Spencer-Arsenault suggests that for many women whose lives are shaped and affected by religious teaching, “the reality of everyday life may present (these) women with a number of inconsistencies.”  Does biblical truth present the same kind of difficulties for men? I don’t see how it always can. I as a woman could be counted unclean far more than a man because of my biological nature. If that nature is somehow defective, should I feel less a woman, like the biblical Hannah, my hero, or do I just have a more masculine conception of God… or simply a different female perception? This whole idea of gender affecting practical theology is very appealing to me… because it seems to likely.

Spencer-Arsenault points out that “the model of Mary is held in high esteem, especially for Catholic women” even though the contemporary Catholic woman’s life differs so drastically in comparison to “the image of a submissive, virgin mother.” Quiet obedience to the will of God seems to be the most highly esteemed quality amongst practicing Catholic women. In fact, Spencer-Arsenault points to Marian ritual as deeply affecting the lives and thinking of Catholic women: from May day celebrations to the rosary and other practices. Spencer-Arsenault seems to indicate that the memories of these celebrations and rituals foster a sense of belonging within the hearts of many women in regard for their Church. It would seem that the high regard of Mary in the Catholic church translates into a certain special esteem for women particularly, as Spencer-Arsenault points out, “particularly for their roles as mothers and vehicles through which faith will be transmitted to their children.”  That is truly a beautiful picture of motherhood… but not all women are mothers, or can be.

So it seems that many Catholic women would desire to be mothers after the pattern set by Mary, who found some sort of spiritual fulfillment in being the mother of Christ. I am glad Mary would erect a standard for women to value and esteem motherhood, because what more perilous calling and more honorable is there than to be a vessel of faith? But the question lingers on with me, concerning those who cannot be mothers… if the typical understanding of God were to come through motherhood and the raising of such life, what of those who will never be mothers? How do we understand God? God can always do miracles, evidenced from Sarah to Ruth to Hannah to Mary (barrenness, widowhood, barrenness, unmarried): God can do whatever pleases Him. But I don’t think  I as a woman am necessarily to  have children in order to know God. Of course such woman who are able are blessed, and know  Him differently than I. It just makes me wonder.

Hannah

I, Hannah, am just an ordinary sort of girl, in my eyes, because I am the first thing I knew. When I look at people, I see different sorts of feelings… either kindness, sadness, compassion, anger, or something alike to these.

“God whom I praise, do not be silent!” (Ps. 109:1)
“My heart is ready, God, I will sing and make music, come my Glory!” (Ps. 108:2)
“Help me, Yhwh my God, save me as Your faithful love demands!”  (Ps. 109:26)
“I will praise You among the peoples, Yhwh, I will play to you among the nations,
for Your faithful love towers to Heaven, and Your constancy to the clouds.” (Ps. 108:3-4)
“With generous thanks to Yhwh on my lips, I shall praise Him before all the people…” (Ps. 109:30)

My God is the Most Amazing. He’s a lot of other stuff too, but He is the worker in my soul… the one who makes all things right in the end– not as I want them, but according to the greatness of His glory. When that end comes, I am confidant my heart will so desire what He wants that I will invest no thought in what I used to think was good for me. In my short years of life, short in conversing with God, I can still look back and see how He has attracted my heart to His desires and engulfed me in Himself… and I feel as if I an overwhelmingly drawn to Him and His will because of His great love and compassion, and at the end of all my struggles with Yhwh my God, may His will prevail in me.

When I look at a person, the image of God, meet their eyes, and maybe see in those eyes a reflection of the soul which contains that image of God. Maybe I have a heart which wants to feel like God’s heart, and maybe that is devoid of particular love. If such is a curse, I call it a blessing, and praise God for it now. I know that my love for God is shown by my love for His people. And I admit that I am not always so loving as I desire. If hurt or overly passionate, as even in the last day, I have hurt another. Sometimes hurt is an unavoidable result of the conviction, but if I act in Jesus-love, then it will not be the same hurt that sears, divides if we are both seeking that heart of Jesus.
I have been walking through a struggle for the best God has for me in this time of life, when I am young and passionate in heart and full of energy, will and idealism. Yes, idealism is for the young, to inspire us to a commitment that will help us settle into that habit of continual growth and change. Always growing and changing, in ways that God allows to get me filled up with His Spirit in that image of His son. Sometimes, I think the youth, energy and passion are just that raw potential for God to work and move.

Somehow that working and moving  can’t be a concrete, understandable thing, but something I do in conjunction with how I feel God’s Spirit moves. For me, it means change, for Him, I’m not sure… maybe it does as well. He is willing to work with my subjectivity and balance out my extremism if I will listen to His voice. And God doesn’t really speak the way He used too… maybe they needed it more than I, that audible voice or vivid dream… but Yhwh, I sure would like one of those pillars of fire from You too. But maybe, Father, You don’t even want things that way with me… my faith is the same as that of Israel, but it works so differently… it has to, because I have Jesus. I am learning that there these types of feelings that come from my own selfish desires, and then there are those that God cultivates in my heart from the Spirit as it speaks through the Word.

But feelings… how can they be trusted? Surely mine cannot.. so I am trying to get a sense of what this Spirit He has given me is pleased by. I think its heavily connected to conscience… my standard of “personal” right and wrong… the way I feel out what’s right and wrong. I need to feel God, in my fragile humanity, and any sin separates me from the feeling that He is pleased with me. Dare I call it a spiritual feeling? God has entrusted me with this life, He gives me the principles by which to live it. So I just really don’t understand how my God moves, but it is in my decisions, in spite of my decisions, and incorporating my decisions that God makes His moves. Wow, crazy.

And right now, I don’t know what God really wants… I have tried to keep my heart sensitive to Him by immersing my heart and mind in His word, by embracing what is in His heart and discussing my heart pretty frankly with God. I have gone a certain direction, and it is a change from where I used to be going. It’s strange, because I felt like the end goal of both journeys could have easily pleased God. So I had to make a decision for now, looking towards the future, which is so uncertain to me. I had to decide which path to follow, and in spite of all the factors vying for both, I chose the one I have because I did not want to limit options, and when everything was considered, it was where my heart pulled me. If there’s one thing I don’t want to become, disgenuine. I will do no good to anyone if I deny what my faith tells me is true and what my conviction dictates I must do with that faith. Not a mere obligation to act, however, I want to act in accordance with conviction of faith.

I move forward, reflecting on His word daily and moving as He moves me heart. I am trying to learn to give Him that reign of my heart, and allow Him to change those desires, to motivate me, convict me, impassion me by an openness to His word and His Spirit’s movement in those words. They are alive… the reading of them stirs the embers of my hearts into a burning flame. But sometimes, those times when I must make a change to my practice of faith because God convicts me of my outlook. Only by spending time with God in His word and allowing Him to move those words throughout the entirety can my spirit and conscience be ensured that I am seeking His best.

This past week, God has surprised me in some ways I never dreamed possible. I mixed in imperfect reaction with acceptance of the brokenness, because I am sure when He shows a need to break, He will put something He deems better in its place. God does not leave me empty, I am sure of that… I am not going to so push Him away from me that I have to cry as David did in perplexity, “if not you, the God who has rejected us? God, you no longer march with our armies.” (Ps. 108:11). I am going to keep myself clear of sin so if won’t be me who is keeping God away from me. If I can’t feel Him ,I don’t want it to be my fault. Better a Job than a David.
I have not acted as Yhwh always this past week… and I have repented and am giving Him this broken heart to revive again and give that will to love and live. “Our God is in Heaven, He creates whatever He choses. (3) You who fear Yhwh, rely on Yhwh; He is their help and their shield (11)).” Psalm 115 3 and 11. God give me grace to serve with all I am. Help me remember who You are, Lord, and let that love and fear I have of You strike into me conviction and transform my life.

Hannah
P.S. This is just a eulogy which I found comforting… God is mysteriously knowable: “Because the paths of the Lord are inscrutable; because the essence of His forgiveness lies in His word and in His mystery; because although God sends us the message, it is our task to decipher it. Because when we open our arms the earth takes in only a hollow and senseless shell. Far away is the soul in its eternal glory. Because it is in pain that we find the meaning of life and the state of grace that we lose when we are born. Because God, in His infinite wisdom, puts the solution in our hands. And because it is only in His physical absence, that the place He occupies in our souls is reaffirmed.”

I tend to look at our faith and the institutions which have been instated to guide the current generation, as well as the previous generation and the future generation, as a flexible and fluid authority. It always has to change in one dynamic, and remain static simultaneously in another to be true to the Word of God. I will keep investing myself in the church universal… and hope God will guide me to the best institution with which to call my “Mother” here on earth. I appreciate the heart I see in the Catholic church… and I feel Protestantism is become too fragile in its rigidity, and must be careful lest it shatter and divide any further than it has– for the faith of many may be at stake.

No worries or need for concern that I am taking any drastic leaps in doctrine or institution, because I am being far more careful with such commitments as I was in my younger years. I am learning how easily enamored my heart is and how overly trusting I am in the goodness of all mankind, but some think their convictions to be absolute, and would impress them upon me in an Inquisitory manner to save my soul. God is owner of my soul, not just Creator, for I submitted it again unto Him and seek to renew my vow of fealty daily. To God be all glory. But God and His people are not One as Christ and the Father are One. So while we are being shaped in His image, Have been fashioned after His glory, and pursue His brightness, we do not yet radiate all that He is.

I am on a journey of faith, sifting through the waters in which my canon of truth lies. There is something about the mystery of faith which, though the possibility and actuality of it (my faith) are given me by God, I am a contributor to the content of the faith. What I believe and enact is what makes me. I must be careful what I feed my faith so that it is not starved of strength– obviously the greatest bread and wine is my Jesus and His Spirit. I hold tightly a perilous faith… I have some absolutes, but so much more is fluid than I dare define by a dogma. I must be careful not to be so rigid I break and not so fluid that I lose a sense of all truth. God be merciful to my poor soul, I am weak in heart.

Hannah

Wow, thats a depressing title, but I really don’t know how else to wonder about whats running through my mind. I guess as human beings, we can’t help but touch another soul every day, as long as we’re not one of the desert fathers. Even if we are not pro actively loving others, if we have at one point cultivated some form of love in relationship, then at least we are being loved. And the reverse action on remaining in another person’s love, being loved, and thereby affecting that person’s soul. As soon as someone loves me, I have some sort of mutual responsibility for their feelings. I am using love as a term denoting relationship, whether felt solely by an individual or returned, but I am discussing genuine relationship from friendship to familial ties, romantic ardor, and Christian love.

I guess human nature is inherently selfish,  self-focused… maybe not even in a bad way, but I naturally think more of what is going on my head than in yours, no matter how much you love me. Yhwh, is that how I am with You? Help me adopt you as the firstthought of my heart, to feel Your heart first so that my own flesh and limited mind do not drive me. Holy Father, give me grace and compassion, let me live as if Your own heart beats within me. You have given me Your Spirit, how can I hear Him, breath Him?

By giving me Your Spirit, Holy Father, You have drawn me into Yourself. I am part of You, I bear Your Holy Name, the Name which sanctifies me in my soul and life. I live in that heart of Yours, its beats pulse through me, yet daily I must choose to let your blood rush through my veins instead of my own. Empty me, and fill me with You. And is this what I have done to You, have I ignored you, not loved you, hurt you with me selfish heart?

I watch those I have chosen to love be hurt by my lack of commitment to their desires as well as my own. I by nature dissapoint, because I lack empathy for another’s feelings. I am out of touch with what others sense– what about God? Holy Father, what do you feel when I live my life? Is it pleasing to you or do you cry and love me anyways? Why, Jesu, why would you put up with my pitiful claim of love, when I don’t leave it? Yhwh, what does it mean for me to love You? If desires conflict, how do we both submit? I will do all You want… and you give me slack.

My soul rejoices in God my Savior, who loves regardless of my apathy in action. I give what I have, help me to feel you because I want to love you, I don’t know what love is. My definition of love is warped by self. Help me, Holy Father. Whatever it takes, my soul is desperate for You.