Leshem Shamayim: “For the sake of heaven.”

I am just writing as simple me, Hannah at Davis College.

Every book of the Bible I’ve been studying here at college has come alive to me in a way it never did before. I am grateful and blessed to see God’s word as living, and His law as live-giving to me. I am His, and therefore, the law still is my standard if I fall in error, but it is also my aid to help me persevere in righteousness. Through the Law I see how God wants things to get done. So I am grateful that He gives me those laws so that I just have to work on the personal application part of the equation, not having to figure out for myself the complete issue of what does/does not please God. He has already given me a complete framework of operation for every single situation.

God holds me to a standard of holiness… chastising me if I do not listen and blessing me with understanding when I do. I want to be found faithful before my God, no matter what sorts of situations I am faced with. If there’s a legacy of my life, I truly want it to be of God’s faithfulness. I want to be faithful so that others can see His faithfulness, and that includes these petty life situations which I find so crucial now. God, find me faithful.

Writing now in my tired state of mind, I see three books around me and an empty cereal box. What a life, a full agenda.. and a cloudy sky. Thanks for making my coffee last while I did research, God. Help me to carefully evaluate and efficiently use  the time you’ve given me to best prepare myself to learn and be of service… and to think carefully as I give out words to others which may believed. You have been good to me, God. Thank you, please keep me faithful.

Healer of my soul, see the marks I have torn and ripped into my heart. You see the work You have done in my through the wounds that I have made, yet You wish me to be whole. Strengthen me, O God in my day of testing so that I do not slip into sin. I will obey You, O Lord, for You are the delight of my heart and the light by which I continue to press on.

I am basking in the glory of Your presence and awed by the magnificence of Your work. You have made me and breathed into me all that is good. You rejuvenate my heart, yet I quaver at the thought of men. They press around me Lord God, seeking for some weakness to feast upon my blood. I trust you will sustain me O Lord. Cover the wounds I have inflicted on myself with protection of your right hand so that I may be bold before my enemies.

Let Your name be praised O God of Jacob, that you may be uplifted through the preserving of my life. You are great among the nations, Holy Father. Lord, let your glory fall on this frail life and fill me with your strength. I will hold fast to your commandments, God of Abraham, and sing praises though all gather and press hard against me. I will run with my eyes fixed on you and be restored in my soul.

I know I am nothing without you, O God, and I praise you for You are Holy. I will not be trodden down, I will endure and be as a beacon of praise, reflecting the light of your glory. I will not be faint of heart. Adonai proclaims me as His own, who shall consider me theirs? I obey the Lord, and He is my master. Let my heart be bound to the God of Jacob… let me cleave to His majesty. You O God are great and Your praise endures forever.

I, Deborah sink to my knees beneath my tree, overlooking the city. G-d, You have made me a judge of Your people, am I ready. I am a woman, I have never led before, and now the commander of Your army seeks my advice.

Adonai, I am not ready! Look I am not wise enough Lord to guard and guide those You send to me. I am a simple woman, I wait on You simply. Hear the cry of a tired heart, of one who bears Your peoples burdens, Adonai they are heavy.

I am weak, Adonai, I cannot bear the weight of all these cares. I run from myself, how can I not run from these burdens as well, Adonai. While sitting above this city and looking down, I can let the city rest in Your hands, but not for long.

Here they come, G-d. They are leaving the city, approaching me and asking for my help, and what have I to offer them. Make me a fit vessel, I have nothing of myself to pour out. Fill me and pour me out.

Here I kneel, I have run and run and seek solace for my soul; yet Adonai, you tell me to be still and wait, for You will come. Wrap my cares away and make me of courageous heart. I will rise and lead Your people Adonai. I am Yours to serve, I will lead as You guide me.

I, Hannah (the wife of Elkanah) am watching at the doorpost of the Temple.

I have come here because I am no longer welcome in my own home– my husband’s second wife has ensured that by keeping him well-supplied with children. In fact, only I am to blame for her very presence in my marriage.

I am barren– the older women call me cursed, cursed for some terrible sin of which I have no knowledge or recollection of committing.

The men regard me as unclean, though I am not, because I am not useful in continuing my husband’s line. If he did not love me, if he was not a good man, Elkanah would have turned me out long ago.

I am dependent on his mercy to remain in his household as his wife, though I am of no use to him as a wife. My purpose in our marriage has been eclipsed by the presence of this other woman and I am no longer needed. But I am wanted.

Yet I know I am a burden to my husband. So here I sit, too timid to enter into the courtyard of G-d while so many mingle about with judgmental eyes seeking to pry out some confession from me, to bless me, that I may be useful. Yet I continually seek Adonai.

You, O Lord, have hidden Your face from me, you have made me unfit to be of use, and yet still I seek You. You who bless and You who take away. You have preserved me, useless though I may be. And I will bless You for this other wife of my husband’s, who can give him children to carry on His name.

Yet, as this courtyard empties, let me prostrate myself before You, to beseech Your mercy on this handmaiden.

Adonai, I am terrified. I walk a perilous road each footstep out of my door… the people’s eyes are all about me, seeking for that hidden sin which does not exist. You, O Adonai, are why they jeer and scorn me. You are why I am an outcast. Yet I will hold my peace, for I trust in Your faithfulness.

Your inexplicable peace preserves my sanity… you keep me pure from confessing an uncommitted sin.. Lord G-d at times I would rather die that face another day of insults. I fear the people’s eyes on me, for my husband’s sake if not my own. He keeps me out of love… they speculate otherwise.

And so I sit here, waiting for You, Adonai